Nine of Swords/The Magician. The wee hours of the night hold anxiety, regret and worries, and these emotions may crop up during the day. I need to remember that in most cases the worries that plague me are either exaggerated in my own mind or are about things that I cannot change, and worry is a waste of energy. Rather I should affirm that through the imposition of my Will, I can change my reaction to these worrisome events, for no matter what challenge is before me, I do have control over how I react to it.

My Thoth card is the Nine of Swords reversed. Interesting. Upright, this card tells of Cruelty and the agony of the mind. It is the intellect run amok. Because the card is reversed, it cancels out the Nine of Swords thrown with my Welsh deck, and tells me that while there may be some agony, the final conclusion will not be despair.

My Legacy card is The Moon reversed. Flux and reflux; civilized control and wild, primordial urges. This card has them all, and usually these opposites are presented in a way that prevents us from knowing which extreme we are actually dealing with. The Moon also represents intuition and imagination, which can solve a problem or lead us astray. Because the card is reversed, I need to be careful that I am seeing clearly and not being distracted by smoke and mirrors.

Shadow Work is becoming pretty intense. Both Mystery and I are going forth boldly only to pull back and pause in order to look both ways, before stepping forward once again. I feel as if our Shadow Work is amazingly effective. I have done this kind of work before, and was thrilled with the results for I ended up identifying the source of some “hot buttons” in my life. This round is more frightening because I feel that I have not reached a crossroad, but rather that I have already passed the point of choosing or pulling back.

One part of our working is particularly significant to me right now, and it is regarding the interpretation of The Empress within the Shadow Working. Here is Mystery’s interpretation and mine.

Mystery: You need to take the extra time you need to nurture yourself and make sure you have not forgotten anything when leaving this card behind that has served you so well. Not that you can't return to your Empress self, but its like once you leave home going back is never the same, so make sure your nurturing instincts are powerful, and your relationship is creating harmony. This mother figure has been an important influence in your life, but she has taught you all she can especially to be aware of your instinctive nature as well as being rational. You are leaving this earth mother to become a spiritual mother. (I am truly sorry this remains a secret.)

Me: I think I do understand that once I have released The Empress, she will be gone and in some ways, closed to me. Yes, I will always have a special connection to her, but surrendering this connection is like death, like shutting a door, locking it and throwing away the key. I am not sorry that this remains a secret, for thanks in part to the sensual connections that I learned from The Empress, I will be able to prove my evolution through my actions, without the need to say the words or to proclaim my title to the world.

Something has happened here, and I can’t go back. Not that I would want to, by any means. I want to go forward, to evolve. I think what is bothering me (although “bother” is too extreme a word) is that I missed the moment so to speak. But it is over and done with, and I need to focus on today and tomorrow, not yesterday.

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