Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Two of Cups/Page of Swords reversed. Today I may be focusing on harmonious unions, and I need to remember that those unions are not necessarily external. I may need to stop analyzing and stop worrying about what could be, and instead try learning for learning’s sake.

My Thoth card is the Seven of Cups. “Debauch” is my card today, and it tells of the delusions of delirium and the mire of false pleasures.

My Legacy card is the Knight of Cups reversed. This Knight plunges to the depths of the ocean as far as emotions are concerned, but in his enthusiasm he sometimes forgets to bring an extra air tank. Three Cups cards today; too much emotion, too many feelings! I need to dry up some of this water! Thankfully, the Fire of this Knight, while mostly diluted, might help a little.

My horoscope: “You will have a day of profound reflection. While you may be tempted to look back and think about how far you have come in the last months, your time would be better spent thinking about what the future has in store for you. You have entered a period of rethinking both your identity and your objectives. These are not small changes. You will need every ounce of energy at your disposal to make it through this time of transition.”

The leaves are changing on the dogwood tree across the street, I actually put on socks and shoes today instead of sandals, and I wore a light jacket. Fall is in the air, and I am very much ready to begin the inner focus of Winter. I really feel as if my focus has always bordered on the inner, even during the height of the Summer months.

It has been a strange couple of days. I have not ever experienced such a difficult Mercury Retro that I can remember. But it’s over!! *heavy sigh* I can relax now, I hope.

I spent the evening doing Tarot readings within the Sacred Mists Psychic and Divinatory Alliance, using my Legacy of the Divine Tarot. I just love the way my readings flow when I use this deck. I think this is at least in part because the images on the cards have been created through the medium of digital fantasy. All of my focuses of late on the “online self” created when we interact through the internet, and indeed my thoughts regarding the internet being a part or layer of the astral plane seem to be connected to these digital fantasy images and the ease with which I interpret them.

The internet is incredible. We can’t see it or hear it or touch it, and we don’t even need to have wires that act as tethers and umbilicals; now our connection to the internet is as wireless as our connection to the astral planes. Whole communities, complete with infrastructure and inhabitants, live and exist within the internet, supported and fed by the human minds who created them; these communities are affected by belief and by visualizations and by individual interpretations. They are fluid and changeable and they are powerful, and their effects are able to penetrate the veil between the realms and manifest within our physical world.

How incredibly fascinating. And these cards, whose images are created through a digital process and show images that are fantasy (I would say “images that are not real,” but then again, reality is in the eye of the beholder) are actually residents or tools of the astral realm we call the internet that are able to bridge the gap between the astral and the physical. Just like any one of my altar tools or the music that I play as a background to my workings or rituals or the carefully chosen words that describe them, these cards have become a vehicle that easily carries me to a place that is not a place and a time that is not a time.

**Grin** Have I said how much I like this deck?


Monday, September 28, 2009

The Hermit/Five of Swords. Today I will be like the Scarecrow of the Wizard of Oz: a deep thought thinker. Unfortunately, I may not have the time without distractions that I need in order to think deep thoughts, and I need to be sure to *not* react with arrogance when the distractions crop up. Just because I feel the need to spend time looking within does not mean that I will get that time, and I may end up dealing with some difficult situations that cannot wait for another day.

My Thoth card is the Five of Swords. Uh oh. Another double. Crowley calls this card “Defeat” and he sees it as indicating that harmony has been upset by motion, and balance is not available right now.

My Legacy card is the Two of Swords. Oy. The only good thing is that Marchetti sees this card as a smaller version of the Four of Swords, and as indicating two opposing views that are, at least for now, equally presented. This card warns us that impartiality is the word of the day, and we need to keep our perspective in order to remain impartial.

Again this weekend I have been thinking about what I have worked on over the past months, what I have accomplished, and what is still before me, waiting to be addressed. One of my fellow Sacred Mists students wrote a poem that really addresses what I am feeling, and describes the failures and successes that are a part of life.

I tilled the fields of my spirit this year.
I planted the seeds
Some grew . . . some did not
I wept tears over the losses
But laughed happily for the rest.
Now the harvest is here and I reap the benefits
Soon it will be time to rest and Plan
Prepare the fields and begin again . . . .
Blessed Be!

by Washastarfire

This past weekend was the first of the season's Sunday night drives home from Cape May. Now it really feels like Fall! Mimi and Jim were down, and we had a great and relaxing weekend. We even spent some time inside the Southern Mansion!

In the past few years, Summer and its outer energies and focuses have stretched well into the Fall, but this year is different. This year, the harvesting has been just about completed and even though there are weeks until Samhain, my energy seems to be devoted more and more to my inner needs. I wish I could take a day each week and spend the day thinking about the hows and whys of the workings of the Universe and of the lessons that are being presented to me by Deity and my Guides. There are so many things that I want to focus on with more depth! Tarot is always up there on my list, and there are several related disciplines that I have already begun to explore, such as astrology, and the Hebrew alphabet and its correspondences to the Majors.

Mystery and I threw our next spread for our shadow work. This one is going to be a tough one for me, but in a way I am glad that I am feeling challenged by this work; after all, if this was too easy, we would not be accomplishing anything. I am feeling the need to list the cards that we have thrown so far, both from our Star of Discovery, and from the three Stars of Recovery that we have thrown so far, so that I can look for patterns.

I want to spend about a week straight going through my house and getting rid of “stuff.” How the heck did I accumulate so much? Unfortunately, I only have a night every so often to do this; at this rate, it will take years to make a visible dent.

LOL, I just don’t have time for a day job. Seriously though, I have been trying not to look at the big picture, and instead when I have a block of a few hours free, I assign them to one of those tasks. And more free time will be coming soon, as I will only be responsible for all of the First Degree homeworks for only a week or so more.

I have noticed that we are going through an interesting series of stumbling blocks on the Forums at Sacred Mists. Many students are learning the hard way of the power of the written word. There have been several “textbook” issues, and interestingly enough, they are not just happening at Sacred Mists, for I am seeing articles regarding these issues posted on the web on a regular basis.

It is sooooo important to remember that while the written word should be interpreted in a sterile and literal manner (for there is no body language or voice inflection to aid in interpretation), often emotions and intentions are layered onto those words by the reader. The unfortunate thing about this is that often, the writer does not have these emotions in mind as he or she writes his words, and the reader does not realize that he or she is imposing his or her own beliefs and feelings onto words that are actually not presented with this subtle message attached to them at all. The end result is that feelings are being hurt on both sides of all this.

I had written an essay a few years back regarding the Witches Pyramid. I have been drawn to add to that essay in response to these increasingly often occurrences, as follows:

When the four powers or pillars are gathered together, they form a stable base which allows the fifth sacred power (the top of the pyramid), To Go, the Latin, Ire, which corresponds with Spirit, to manifest.

To Go (Spirit): I am promising to master the four powers with the intention of using them in a positive way to benefit myself and to benefit others. I am promising to evolve, to progress through my life with and through these tools or powers.

I believe that within our online community, we have an additional level to the application of To Go, or Spirit. We communicate through the written word, without body language or voice inflection. Thus, not only do we need to promise to master the four powers with the intention of using them in a positive way, but we also need to have a care regarding how we interpret the written word presented by others. We often automatically infuse that written word with the assumption of meaning and with what emotions we feel are attached, and often those meanings are our own and not the meanings of the originator of the words. And so, I am also promising to master the ability of offering others the benefit of the doubt as I read the words of others, and assuming, until proven otherwise by actions, that the intent behind the words is the literal meaning of the words, and not some assumed hidden meaning, whether that meaning is positive or negative.

Today I will be pondering this, and reaching out to those who seem to be experiencing difficulties regarding the written word. I hope that my writings will not be misinterpreted, for they are presented in perfect love and perfect trust.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Nine of Swords/The Magician. The wee hours of the night hold anxiety, regret and worries, and these emotions may crop up during the day. I need to remember that in most cases the worries that plague me are either exaggerated in my own mind or are about things that I cannot change, and worry is a waste of energy. Rather I should affirm that through the imposition of my Will, I can change my reaction to these worrisome events, for no matter what challenge is before me, I do have control over how I react to it.

My Thoth card is the Nine of Swords reversed. Interesting. Upright, this card tells of Cruelty and the agony of the mind. It is the intellect run amok. Because the card is reversed, it cancels out the Nine of Swords thrown with my Welsh deck, and tells me that while there may be some agony, the final conclusion will not be despair.

My Legacy card is The Moon reversed. Flux and reflux; civilized control and wild, primordial urges. This card has them all, and usually these opposites are presented in a way that prevents us from knowing which extreme we are actually dealing with. The Moon also represents intuition and imagination, which can solve a problem or lead us astray. Because the card is reversed, I need to be careful that I am seeing clearly and not being distracted by smoke and mirrors.

Shadow Work is becoming pretty intense. Both Mystery and I are going forth boldly only to pull back and pause in order to look both ways, before stepping forward once again. I feel as if our Shadow Work is amazingly effective. I have done this kind of work before, and was thrilled with the results for I ended up identifying the source of some “hot buttons” in my life. This round is more frightening because I feel that I have not reached a crossroad, but rather that I have already passed the point of choosing or pulling back.

One part of our working is particularly significant to me right now, and it is regarding the interpretation of The Empress within the Shadow Working. Here is Mystery’s interpretation and mine.

Mystery: You need to take the extra time you need to nurture yourself and make sure you have not forgotten anything when leaving this card behind that has served you so well. Not that you can't return to your Empress self, but its like once you leave home going back is never the same, so make sure your nurturing instincts are powerful, and your relationship is creating harmony. This mother figure has been an important influence in your life, but she has taught you all she can especially to be aware of your instinctive nature as well as being rational. You are leaving this earth mother to become a spiritual mother. (I am truly sorry this remains a secret.)

Me: I think I do understand that once I have released The Empress, she will be gone and in some ways, closed to me. Yes, I will always have a special connection to her, but surrendering this connection is like death, like shutting a door, locking it and throwing away the key. I am not sorry that this remains a secret, for thanks in part to the sensual connections that I learned from The Empress, I will be able to prove my evolution through my actions, without the need to say the words or to proclaim my title to the world.

Something has happened here, and I can’t go back. Not that I would want to, by any means. I want to go forward, to evolve. I think what is bothering me (although “bother” is too extreme a word) is that I missed the moment so to speak. But it is over and done with, and I need to focus on today and tomorrow, not yesterday.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Justice/Two of Pentacles reversed. I need to remember that past actions have the potential to affect the future, for life is a circle and the past **is** the future. I do not need to beat my own drum, for eventually all deeds will be listed, whether good or bad, and the paybacks will come. In the mean time, I should focus on bringing back the balance that I once had in the physical realms.

My Thoth card is the Ace of Cups. A new direction, and this is a good one. Crowley sees the Ace of Cups as the Holy Grail, and as telling us that if we have love, all else will fall into place.

My Legacy card is the Ace of Wands. Wow, another Ace, and this one is a talisman of power that is presenting itself to me; I have only to reach out and take it.

The Pagan Brain Trust met last night (which makes the presence of those two Aces very understandable). As usual, time seemed to speed up as we all talked. We had our “Tarot extravaganza,” and everyone brought their Tarot and Oracle decks. We also each shared our “internet” experiences. It seems that Little Oracle and I are not the only persons who are feeling a real connection to workings that involve the internet, computers or some digital format. Three of us feel a very strong connection to a Tarot or Oracle deck that uses digital images, especially digital fantasy images, and when we talked about it, we all agreed that it was the digital source of the images that offered an easier connection to the symbolism and messages of the cards.

What a great weekend we had, with Sharon and her family. The weather was very cooperative, the water was warm, the waves were gentle, and the dolphins were passing by. We spent Saturday at the ocean and Sunday at Higbee Beach, where we saw a pair of bald eagles, two different hawks, turkey vultures, and both monarch and red admiral butterflies.

I am coming down with a cold. Why do these things happen to me when I have responsibilities that cannot be put off? Sheesh.


Friday, September 18, 2009

Justice/Eight of Wands. I am being reminded today that the deeds of the past are the foundation for both the present and the possible future. There are always consequences to our actions, whether our actions are conscious and deliberate, or instinctive and without conscious awareness. Things may move quickly today, and these energy releases may serve to clear the air, but I need to remember that while I have the ability to wield personal power to achieve my goals, I need to always remember that I am not the creator of that power, I am only borrowing it.

My Thoth card is *giggle* the Princess of Swords reversed. Sorry, don’t mean to laugh, but what am I missing? These cards just keep showing up. Again I am being told to not put myself in the position of mediating conflicts today, because I may not be as articulate and able to perceive the details as I would like to be.

My Legacy card is the Three of Coins. Marchetti describes the energies of this card as representing a labor of love. It tells of the presence of skills, but also of the enjoyment of the processes; it tells not of a mere job, but of a career that inspires passion. Yes!! That is exactly what I am looking for.

My horoscope: “Outside of the New Moon falling in a position where it can benefit you professionally, the presence of Saturn in the same position can allow for financial or monetary benefits as well. If you've been thinking about making changes but have been worried about costs or financial consequences, you may be getting evidence within a few days that you should go forward with your plans and not worry so much. This is a time during which the advice of others can be extremely favorable to you, if not about career or income, but about credit ratings and other matters of reputation about which you may be concerned.”

I am learning, in part through my responsibilities on the Student Council, just how addicted to the “online self” people can get. Where else can we appear exactly as we always wanted to appear, and without having any responsibility for our actions? LOL, of course, that second concept is not always true. In a community like Sacred Mists, freedom is encouraged, but everyone must understand that their freedom can only happen if they are aware at all times of their impact on others within the community.

The online self is a wonderful person/place where we can get over shyness or *ahem* self confidence issues. Then we can learn how to bring these new powers into the material world; however we need to always keep in mind that these are two different realms.

But the internet offers us a vast, malleable and almost limitless medium for our meditations, workings and rituals of worship. And at least for me, the more I work within the realms of the internet, the easier it is to find that “doorway” that I enter or “outlet” that I plug into when I use the internet as a vehicle. And interestingly enough, I have experienced the power of symbols, in connection with computers.

On both Wednesday and Thursday evenings I did readings using my Legacy of the Divine Tarot. Wednesday’s readings were through the Sacred Mists Psychic and Divinatory Alliance (SMPDA) within our monthly Open Reading Night in one of the Sacred Mists chatrooms. Thursday’s readings were live in person readings for two of my sisters-in-law. I found that I was able to instantly plug into that part of my brain that usually handles email readings by using this deck! The images on Legacy Tarot cards are digitally created sci-fi fantasy focused, in line with the myth that Marchetti presented that supports the images and theme of the deck. My “real time” readings with this deck were detailed, textured, and filled with (if I may say so myself) a variety of useful information that within each reading was perfectly understood by the Seeker.

I am not usually comfortable with live in person readings (although I enjoy live chatroom readings), and I guess this is in part due to stage fright. But as soon as I threw the cards to the first of the four spreads that I did last night, I felt that part of my brain that usually comes alive while I do email readings instantly tap into the images on the cards. How cool is that??!!


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ace of Swords/The Empress reversed. The intellect is a powerful weapon, and I may find that I am drawn to connect with my intellect today, but I must remember that the Sword that is the intellect has two edges and thus, it cuts both ways. I cannot loose sight of the effects upon the world around me of that Sword.

My Thoth card is LOL one of my “old favorites,” the Princess of Cups reversed. I have been seeing a lot of Court Cards from Uncle Al of late. I should not allow myself to be drawn into the settlement of controversies today, because my vision regarding those controversies may not be clear.

My Legacy card is the Knight of Coins reversed. Upright, this card tells of endurance and perseverance that brings stability and good fortune in the physical world. I am being told that perhaps I am too stuck in a rut; in order to be more effective I may have to take a fresh look at things from a new perspective.

I am still feeling as if some transformation is just beyond the horizon, just out of sight. Somehow I sense that I should already be seeing or perceiving hints as to the nature of this transformation, but I am not able to perceive them quite yet. I also get the feeling that this transformation is going to span the realms so to speak, and while it may begin with a focus on the physical world, the first beginnings of transformation are going to change every part of me.

I still feel very busy in every facet of my life. Not overwhelmed, at least not yet, but I feel something similar to beginning a new exercise program. When beginning a new regime it sometimes feels as if we can hardly keep up, and we need to push ourselves and focus on maintaining the pressure needed to keep our muscles working, but then suddenly, usually without warning (although the building up of muscles does take time), a transformation happens and we feel stronger and more in touch with our muscles. I think this striving to teach myself to perceive the transformations is a similar process. I need to push my awareness to look for new patterns rather than relying on the current and past entries into my mental “pattern catalogue.” Recognizing and understanding new patterns is one of the more difficult tasks that we can assign to our brains. I keep telling myself that this new “exercise regime” that is my busy life is going to offer benefits to me in the future; some day I am going to realize that all my efforts to keep up with the many responsibilities now ended up serving me in unexpected ways.

I believe (at least, I hope) that this transformation will serve in part to connect my energy work and “occult” focuses to my means of employment. The final key to achieving this is within me, but it is in code. I need to break that code!!

My horoscope seems to confirm this: “You are in the process of learning how to dream again, Nancy. These last few months have been rather hard, because your life's possibilities felt so limited. You have done a lot of work recently trying to align your rich fantasy life with the hard edges of reality. The result of all this effort is that your desire to realize your dreams has simply increased! By all means, go after them, but do so gently.”

I just love the concept of connecting my mental awareness and my energy work to the internet. The internet may very well be one of the most powerful tools available to us for spurring our mental selves to evolve. We can easily experience the consequences or results of interactions within the web, which helps to validate in our minds this “place” that is the internet. We are making use of an astral plane as we learn and evolve and connect to others. How cool is that?? This tool that is the web is an integral part of my attempts to explore my own psyche, and I believe that learning about the connection between the internet and my own mind is one of the next steps that I must take in order to initiate the transformation that is surely approaching.

And coincidentally (or *not* coincidentally), one member of the Pagan Brain Trust, Little Oracle, is actively exploring the web and is striving to learn the language that is called “programming,” the same way that a doctor strives to learn the language that describes the physiological workings of our bodies. We are both focusing on the same concept, yet we are viewing it from slightly different perspectives. I can hardly wait to see what new understandings will come to us!


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Hermit/Nine of Wands reversed. I am being told that the answers to the questions that are eating at my mind will not be found in the outer world or in the words or actions of others. Instead I should lower my own most instinctive defenses so that I can understand my own reasons for asking the questions in the first place. That is where I will find the answers.

My Thoth card for today is . . . a new one (LOL), the Queen of Cups, this time reversed. This Queen is associated with dreaminess and tranquility, and the illusions that can bring those states of mind. I may not find it easy to achieve a tranquil state today, but at the same time I will hopefully dispel any illusions.

My Legacy card is another Cups card and another reversed card, the Ace of Cups reversed. This Ace tells of the promise of joy, serenity and well-being, and because it is reversed, I may have difficulty accessing those emotions. However, those emotions are there, so I will keep trying.

I have been thinking again. Can you smell the wood burning? Actually, my thoughts are following a progression since yesterday. I am trying to understand the human though process. LOL, not too intimidating a task!

I experienced over the past few days in two separate situations the concept of addiction and the effects those addictions can have. I’m not talking about addiction to substances, but rather in one case an addiction to another person and in another, an addiction to a concept. Neither of the primary persons is me, but I am actively involved in each of the situations.

The addiction to a person has to do with the online “self” that is created when we belong to and interact in an online forum or chat room. First, some explanation of what I mean by the online self.

The online self is an astral being or thought form that does not exist in the physical realms. Yes, this online self can have some of the physical characteristics of the real live person who created it, but I believe that even in the best and most honest cases, the characteristics and personality traits of our online selves are tweaked just a bit in accordance with what we wish we were, rather than what we really are. This tweaking can have both an internal effect (in other words, may affect the choices and actions of the online self), and can have an external effect (in other words, may affect how others perceive and react to the online self). Just like a situation where a needy person can seem to drain the energy from others, either deliberately and knowingly or without realizing it, our online selves can draw or repel others by exaggerating the conscious or subconscious needs or intentions of the real live person. Needless to say, it is also very easy to deliberately create an online self that is not at all like our real live self, and it may be possible to control another online self, even without consciously realizing it.

A situation that is filled with the potential of hurt can arise when one real live person becomes enamored of another online self, especially when that online self is probably nothing like the real live person behind the thoughtform, and especially when the feelings are not returned. Oh boy, is it easy to become addicted to the feeling of connection that can happen when both of those online selves interact, especially when one online self is reading into the interactions of the other online self. After all, neither of these selves are real live people (even though they are connected to and supported by real live people), and so one self’s perceptions of interactions can be easily tweaked into something they were never intended to be.

To a large extent the other situation mentioned here, the addiction to a concept, is also empowered by this theory, mainly because the majority of the interactions are talking place on the internet. This second situation, which involves a person who has taken a past perceived hurt and made it into a crusade that absorbs much of all current focus, is an example of how an online self can be turned into a stalker who appears psychotic because of the efforts expended in promoting and indeed, imposing this self’s version of the facts willy-nilly on whoever appears to be even remotely involved or aware of the perceived perpetrator of the original hurt.

In both cases, the online self ~and~ the supporting real live person have become addicted to the potential of manifesting and bringing to life the focus that is the addiction. Most people would not allow this kind of addiction to rule their lives, but when a person is needy in some way, whether they need love or justification for past actions, that person could gradually be consumed by this need. The internet and its offering of the creation of an online self, especially when that online self is presented with total anonymity and thus with the perception of not having to accept consequences to any actions taken, certainly enables these kinds of addictions.

The most difficult part of all of this is that situations can rapidly progress to the point where no one else can divert the focus of the addicted person. It is the addicted person who must realize that her or his online self is on a path toward almost certain destruction or chaos; it is the addicted person who must change the direction of the online self. The rest of us can try to point out the trend, but unfortunately this will be a frustrating and mostly fruitless pursuit. Like any addiction, the addicted person must first hit her or his own personal bottom before beginning the long and uphill path to returned sanity.

I feel better now. I have done what I can, and all I can do right now is be there if needed and hope that not much more pain will be incurred by those who are battling addictions (or by the surrounding population). Thankfully, these kinds of situations don’t happen often in my world. Getting straight in my own mind the hows and whys of these kinds of addictions does help me to deal with my inability to bring some positive results into either situation. I cannot control the choices of others, only my own. I am at peace with that.


Monday, September 14, 2009

King of Wands reversed/Two of Cups reversed. Okay, today is not about implementing ideas, and it is not about happy connections. I understand exactly what is being talked about here.

My Thoth card is the Four of Cups. Cups, Cups, and more Cups. Luxury, which is a good thing, yet Crowley sees this card as containing a danger, the potential for stagnation.

My Legacy card is the Eight of Wands reversed. Marchetti describes this card in an upright position as representing the movement that happens after a blockage is ended. Because it is reversed it is telling me that there may not be movement today.

It has been an interesting day. I have given much thought today to the concept of cyber stalking, and I have thought about how alluring anger can be that is justified through judging others and finding them lacking, and judging the self, and feeling that the self is right to put down others at any cost and for as long as there is breath and life. I have learned an interesting lesson from a person out of my past who will not release a perceived hurt. Rather than releasing the hurt in order to grow and to move past the mistakes of the past, this person clings to that hurt and pushes the hurt out into the world, like the banners of an army of crusaders, meant to rally the men. In thrusting this banner of justification out into the world, this person is blindly declaring anyone associated with his foes at Sacred Mists to be brainwashed and deluded. There are only two choices, two sides in this “war,” his side and the brainwashed side. If we do not agree with him, we must be mindless “hens” that have fallen under the spell of our evil leader.

There are two sad things about this horror that is being perpetuated by this sadly delusional and paranoid little man. First, this misunderstanding happened over a year and a half ago. Those within Administration at Sacred Mists wisely washed their hands of this person, yet his paranoia sees brainwashed soldiers everywhere, posting under assumed names as they put forth their mindless propaganda. Second, in striking out blindly at anyone who has found that Sacred Mists offers opportunities for learning and growth, he is harming people who know absolutely nothing about his “issues” with the leaders of Sacred Mists. They have, in fact, never heard of this person, know nothing about his ongoing vendetta against Sacred Mists, and do not know what happened over a year and a half ago.

Ugly accusations were presented again and again on another forum, until that forum’s Administration personnel finally stopped the paranoid accusations and unceasing accusations without proof. This person moved onward to a blog that protests the concept of paying a fee to learn Wicca. At first the discussions were relatively sane, but soon enough the accusations became more and more absurd, more and more paranoid, until finally the owner of the blog told this sad little man to behave or leave. And so, he has moved on to another venue, and is seeking out Sacred Mists students to once again sabotage with his insane accusations regarding an event that was over and done with quite some time ago.

To add insult to injury, this paranoid little man is accusing me of being a drunk. Can you believe it?

I am grateful for the lesson here. No one person has the right to condemn others who find a place or a group of people that he finds deplorable as actually a very positive environment. He has a right to his own opinion, but the ugliness and the unfounded accusations all perpetuated as justification and imposed onto anyone who disagrees with him could very well be the source of some unpleasant karma. If the Law of Attraction tells us that what we visualize and focus upon is what we attract to us, what discomfort and ugliness is being drawn toward this person even now?

How sad that he cannot choose light instead of dark. I choose light. I will say it again.

I choose light. And a glass of wine.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Nine of Swords reversed/Page of Cups reversed. Okay, I may not be worried, but I am also not yet allowing my Younger Self out to play. I need to remember that blocking the tendency to brood too effectively could very well shut down all feelings, not just the destructive ones.

My Thoth card is the Prince of Swords. Again. Here is what SuperTarot says about the Prince and Princess of Swords from Crowley’s Thoth Tarot:

“The character of the Princess is stern and revengeful. Her logic is destructive. She is firm and aggressive, with great practical wisdom and subtlety in material things. She shows great cleverness and dexterity in the management of practical affairs, especially where they are of a controversial nature. She is very adroit in the settlement of controversies. If ill-dignified, all these qualities are dispersed; she becomes incoherent, and all her gifts tend to combine to form a species of low cunning whose object is unworthy of the means. The Princess of Swords is a young, very perceptive person.” (The image on the card appears more defensive to me.)

“A person symbolized by this Prince is purely intellectual. He is full of ideas and designs which tumble over each other. He is a mass of fine ideals unrelated to practical effort. He has all the apparatus of Thought in the highest degree, intensely clever, admirably rational, but unstable of purpose, and in reality indifferent even to his own ideas, as knowing that any one of them is just as good as any other. He reduces everything to unreality by removing its substance and transmuting it to an ideal world of ratiocination which is purely formal and out of relation to any facts, even those upon which it is based. A military man.” (The image on the card appears more aggressive to me.)

It sounds as if I am using my brain way too much and not allowing my emotions or my instincts to even have the slightest input. I need to allow myself to choose one concept to focus on, rather than trying to keep all the balls in the air at once. Things have been so busy these past weeks, and I am feeling more and more that I need to bring everything current. LOL, if only I had the time. Maybe that Prince with his intense focuses is not allowing me to see that I won’t drop all the balls if I allow myself to let one slide away.

My Legacy card is the Two of Cups reversed. Again. Marchetti sees this card as representing romance and recognition, in that the success of any relationship depends in part on how we see ourselves reflected in our lover’s eyes. Perhaps I am not comfortable with the image I am seeing reflected there.

More Shadow Work last night, after I downloaded Snow Leopard. I wonder if all the hidden upheavals hinted by my repetitive cards of late have to do with the deep probing of my psyche that is happening within my Shadow Work. Despite the fact that I have strong lines of communication with my Younger Self, and despite the fact that I have worked with my shadow self and uncovered some hurts that have affected and controlled me through the years, I get the feeling that she is hiding something from me, some deep dark fear or hurt. I also get the feeling that my Younger Self is uneasy because the cards in my Shadow Work spreads are circling ever closer to whatever she is hiding.

The cards that have shown up repeatedly in the past few days are: Two of Cups, Three of Cups, Princess (Page) and Prince (Knight) of Swords; plus I have thrown the Nine of Cups, Nine of Wands and Nine of Swords, and one other Princess, of Cups, with all Court Cards being of the Thoth deck. Seeing the cards as only keywords we get “recognizing love in a mate,” “the power of the group,” “logic and perception,” “purely intellectual,” “satisfaction,” “being ‘aware,’” and “inner or self-caused anguish.” That extra Princess of Cups would be “pure generosity with no strings attached.” I am not including reversals until the next paragraph because I think it is more important, at least while first looking, that I understand the general meanings of the cards, without imposing into the mix the positive or negative effects of their presence or absence. To me, the general theme here is perceived safety, if we assume that being loved and accepted without strings equals safety.

Okay, now for reversals and upright cards. The Two of Cups and the Princess of Swords are reversed each time they appear, as is the other Thoth Princess, of the suit of Cups. The Three of Cups is upright each time it appears, and on one day this card appeared in two different decks. All of the Nines are upright as well. Only the Prince of Swords has been both upright and reversed.

Looks like having the support and caring of the group is something that is important to me right now. While I may not like the way loved ones appear to see me, I am not very effective right now at using logic to define or defend my perceptions of myself, and my intellect seems to be experiencing on-again off-again extremes. This means that what I think someone feels about me may not be what they are actually feeling. One thing is for certain, with three Nines showing up, something is building, and a climax of some sort is approaching.

Add this to the results of my Shadow Work thus far, which tell me that even though I have walked the walk and talked the talk, and even though I have done exhaustive research, I still don’t trust myself to take a stand. I am still afraid of the judgment of others, and I am afraid that all my work will be toppled down with ease and thus shown to be inadequate.

Methinks my Shadow Work is working!!


Friday, September 4, 2009

The Wheel reversed/Five of Wands reversed. The Wheel represents effects and cycles that we may have trouble understanding, but that are present and manifesting nevertheless. But today I may find that I will not be dealing with seemingly random events or events without meaning or discernable consequences. Instead of the conflict between inner self and outer self that often results from an unexpected (but necessary) cog in the Wheel, I just may end up with a day wherein conflicts end up solving each other.

My Thoth card is the Five of Cups. “Disappointment” is the least offensive of the Fives to me, for disappointment is an emotion that I bring on myself by seeing only the cloudy muck stirred up by the motion of the Five; instead, I should be telling myself that the settling silt will strain out the impurities in the water, leaving me with a much cleaner and clearer well of emotions.

The best way I have found to connect with a deck is to pull a card from it every day. So, starting today, I will be pulling one Legacy card along with the others. My Legacy card for today is the Three of Cups reversed. Receiving this card reversed on the eve of a three day weekend with much-loved friends give me pause; does it foretell a time of companionship and revelry between friends, far in the distance yet approaching? Or does it warn of the potential for emotional differences to divert and disperse the normally well-laced harmony of the group? Only time will tell.

My horoscope: “Let the rest of the world deal with problems. Your job now is to forget about anything that's serious and enjoy the next 24 hours with family, friends and neighbors simply because you can. Oh, and if there's someone you'd like to invite along to meet the usual suspects, give them the invitation early enough to let them help with the preparations. That way, they'll truly feel as if they're part of the event.”

And: “Your body, which usually runs at warp speed, is telling you to slow down, Nancy. Even you need to take a break from time to time. A huge bag of caramel-covered popcorn eaten while watching a romantic comedy will not send you into a downward spiral from which you'll never emerge. Quite the contrary. Such an indulgence is likely to leave you feeling refreshed, even giddy. Why not give it a try?”

Perhaps the emotional turmoil hinted at in my cards today may be from an internal source rather than an external one. I would much prefer this, because I do have control over my own emotions, and can lessen their effects. *crosses fingers*

Last night I performed a Reiki II attunement for Jen, one of our Pagan Brain Trust members. Needless to say, as always happens when we get together, the two of us sat and talked until after 10:30.

LOL! Now I know what these cards mean! The day is not even half over and I have not even finished journaling, and bingo! My ex-husband just telephoned me, explaining that for whatever reason, he is pursuing an annulment of our marriage (which marriage legally ended almost 30 years ago), and asked me if I would mind at the very least responding to a letter from the Archdiocese and informing them that I knew that this was happening and would not fight it. He actually asked me, nicely, to do this. I gave him my address, and will reserve judgment for when I receive the letter, but this yank of my awareness from a focus on the future to a difficult time of my past has timed itself very interestingly, considering the Shadow Work that Mystery and I are doing right now.

Happy Friday!


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Two of Wands reversed/The High Priestess reversed. The Two of Wands tells of the presence of the initial vision that shows the application of Will in order to manifest goals. This Two is the Minor Arcana equivalent of The Magician, and The High Priestess in the reversed position also points toward the outer application of Will in order to manifest goals that is the forte of The Magician. His energies will work best for me today only if I balance them with the inner focus of the High Priestess as indicated by the reversed Two of Wands.

My Thoth card for today is the Three of Swords reversed. I do not like this card; this is the only card in the entire Tarot deck that is not fun in either an upright or reversed position. Crowley calls this card “Sorrow,” and thankfully it does not turn up much in my daily throws. Unlike most interpretations of this card, Crowley sees the sorrow as not being caused by the actions of individuals, but rather as the universal sorrow, the catalyst for melancholy. Perhaps today I will be able to see past any melancholy to the new dawn that will surely follow.

Yesterday was a busy day for me; for this week I will be responding to all of the First Degree homework submissions rather than half because my fellow homework grader lost her computer. I managed to catch up to yesterday’s submissions, which meant responding to about 15 homeworks. That pretty much brings me current, which is a good thing because the next few days are going to be quite busy for me. Tonight I am giving a member of the Pagan Brain Trust her Reiki II attunement, and tomorrow night begins Labor Day Weekend, which is traditionally spent with our fellow Olde Pussy Club members. LOL, don’t ask. I will need to spend a little time over the weekend responding to homeworks in order to prevent an overflowing inbox, but I think I can do that.

I have finally detoxed my body from the sugar binge of last weekend. Interestingly enough, my mind is clear and my ability to focus has returned; I found it very easy this morning, during my customary meditation, to bring my awareness out of my physical body, into my etheric body and then into my mental/emotional body and to hold it there. Sugar is bad, I know. Bad Raushanna. In hindsight, nothing that I ate in the attempt to satisfy my sugar cravings seemed to work. Maybe I am changing the chemical content of my physical body by staying away from sugar for long periods of time? LOL, is that good or bad? It would be good only if the cravings go away, too.

I performed my Shadow Work Ritual for the second time last night in order to throw Spread 2, version 1. This time there will be six spreads thrown before I move on to a new concept. As part of my Ritual, I cast a circle and invoke the Dark Goddess and Dark God using the Aces as quarter representations and the Queen and King of Swords as the Deity representations. Boy, this Legacy Tarot is incredible!! The cards really lend themselves well to this kind of working, and I am learning so much about my shadow already.

As promised, the cards I drew for Spread 1 are: Card 1, Denial: The Fool reversed; Card 2, Anxiety: Wheel of Fortune reversed; Card 3, Inferiority: The Magician; Card 4, Anger: The Moon; Card 5, Secrecy: The Sun; Card 6, Self-loathing: The Lovers reversed. It should be noted that in Tarot Shadow Work, only Major Arcana cards are used, and reversed cards are usually seen as a flag indicating the presence of important information. After interpreting the cards in Spread 1, I felt that this Shadow Working would be about trusting myself, how my lack of trust in myself negatively impacts my life, and hopefully I will also be finding out what lays behind this lack of trust. Wish me luck; I’ll need it.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Justice/Eight of Pentacles reversed. While the laws of the physical realms may follow alongside the laws of the Universe, they are only mimicking the Universal laws. I am being reminded today that the Universal laws cannot be violated; no matter how I try to go against them, they will be enforced. My future is directly affected by my past, and I also need to remember that gaining experience for experience’s sake is not a waste of time.

My Thoth card is the Five of Cups reversed. The “Disappointment” card; Crowley states that any disturbance of ease can only be seen as misfortune. The motion of the number Five is what is churning the waters for this Cups card in an upright position. Since the card is reversed, I am being told to be aware of the absence of motion, and to value the ease that could come to me today through that lack of motion.

My horoscope: “Today is a day of fruitful conversations, Sagittarius, especially if they are with someone far away. Even while most of the activities you usually consider chores are being done, there is this kind of anticipation or sense of reward and encouragement that surrounds you today. There may be an ongoing hassle about some kind of joint holding or investment with a friend, but that will play itself out soon enough. The emphasis is on adventure, physical or intellectual, and the opportunity that is coming is what keeps you going right now, not the back and forth arguing with someone of a closed mind.”

I did another Fire Bird meditation last night. This time, when I crawled through the gateway, I ended up in the same field, in the same trampled area, but this time it was overcast and windy. The yellow grasses hissed and sighed as they danced in the wind, and the Fire Bird was there, waiting for me, swooping and playing in the wind gusts. She came down and sat on my arm for her usual head scratch, and then energetically led me forward as always, to the “two moon beach.” The cool thing was that as soon as I stepped from the grasses, the wind was gone. I turned and looked back, and the grasses were still bowing in waves as the gusts pressed against them, but the beach was quiet and still, as if there was a force field separating the two places.

I turned back and surveyed the scene; still two moons in the lavender sky, the beach was untouched, however green grass was still growing thickly in my footprints from my last visit. I walked down to the water along that grass, and was surprised to see something floating in the water, close to the shore. I waded out and picked it up; it was a cylindrical tube about three feet long and six inches in diameter. I took it to the shore and opened it up, and found a rolled up paper inside. I took the paper out and unrolled it. To my surprise, I was holding the Ivan Shishkin painting of the rye field with the trees! That painting grabbed me right from the beginning; looks like I need to study it in detail.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Six of Cups/The Tower reversed. I am being warned today, that preventing change will most certainly result in catastrophe. I cannot rely on the perceived security of some outside thing, person or event, but instead must find the security I need to embrace change rather than prevent change deep within me. I am being pointed to my Younger Self, for she is both the root of and the solution to the problem.

My Thoth card is The Moon. I just love the images on this Thoth card; they really do depict the slightly out of focus view of the world as seen through the energies of The Moon. This card tells me that nothing is as it seems, but I should not allow bewilderment and imagination to become a bane rather than the useful tools that they both should be. I am also reminded that it is always darkest just before the dawn, so I must endure with courage.

My horoscope: “Your creativity has always been a big part of your intelligence, but never more so than right now -- the tasks you're working through require the kinds of smarts that you have in spades! This is a very exciting time for you, full of unique people who are helping you to see things in a new light. There might be a frustrating person in the mix, but although they rub you the wrong way from time to time, the sensation they leave you with is always positive.”

And: “You love to have very serious discussions about important issues well into the night. You rebuild the world the way you would like to see it with your friends. But for a while now, you start yawning around ten, and are in bed within the hour. This is true today, as well. Are you really tired or do you just need to be alone to think about things by yourself?”

My Legacy Tarot has arrived . . . I am overwhelmed. I was afraid that after all this I would be disappointed. Instead, I am blown away. Positively blown away. I feel as if Marchetti created this deck specifically for me, not using my instructions mind you, but instead he created it according to what he knew the images should be in order for met to be instantly and irreversibly in love with each one.

Do you know how hard it was for me to focus on work this afternoon? Yes, I am quite grateful that I had that little bit of time during lunch to pour over the cards, but I need more! I never imagined that I would find a deck that soooo felt my own.

As I type this, I feel as if I have come back from some place far away; there are indeed gateways associated with this deck. If you don't hear from me again, I fell into one of those gateways and decided not to return!!!

I can't wait to look at my Shadow Work Spread with these cards!!! Mystery and I have been doing some absolutely incredible Tarot Shadow Work these past few days. I honestly did not expect to uncover what I have already found about myself, and interacting with Mystery regarding her issues is helping me as well; after all our individual focuses seem to be two sides of the same coin (which coincidentally can be said about our personal significators for these workings, The Magician and The High Priestess). I will be posting my thoughts regarding the first spread once we have completed working on it.

Today is the first day of the 9th month of the 9th year of this century, my year. I decided this morning that the laziness must end today, and so I put on all of my amber jewelry to get some electricity flowing. I have been indulging my sweet tooth these past few days, which is probably adding to my lethargy (have I mentioned that I am a major sugar addict?). But today is the first day of my cleanse; I dosed myself with some dandelion tincture this morning, and I will be drinking lots of fluids today as I bring my diet back into line. I already feel better, but my worst time is after lunch. That is usually when the “sugar demon” possesses me.

Ailm (one of my Guides) and her group are leaving today, beginning their journey inland for the Winter months. She and I talked this morning as I sat in my car, looking at the first yellow and brown leaf of Fall, sitting on my windshield. Her group has been feeling the need to get moving, and despite the great weather of the past few weeks, Ailm feels that the weather of the Fall months may not be conducive to travel, and thus the journey begins today. I am also feeling a change in my focuses; the sun is lower down in the morning, and the light is different than during high Summer. I am feeling the need to gather my resources and check to be sure that all has been completed; activity is beginning once more, signaling the ending of the time of pause and the beginning of the harvest. Soon I will know if the work of the Spring was sufficient to tide me through the coming cold and dark.