My Thoth card is the Three of Swords reversed. Whew! “Sorrow,” but reversed. The Three of Swords (Saturn, discipline, responsibility, limitations and resistance, in Libra, “We are,” partnerships, balance, cooperation) usually indicates the possibility that logic and the intellect could end up causing harm, but thankfully my Three of Swords is reversed. My time of feeling isolated or lost could be fading away. I am so ready for that!
My Legacy card is the King of Coins reversed, flavored by the Five of Cups. The King of Coins (cusp of Aries, “I want,” action oriented, assertive, competitive, and Taurus, “I have,” sensual, stubborn, cautious, physically oriented) is the expert on physical world manifestation of all kinds. Because my King is reversed, and being flavored by the Five of Cups (Mars, action, aggression, drive, in Scorpio, “I desire,” intense, controlling, mysterious, obsessive) which tells of emotional down time, a setback or a lack of support, there may be some potential issues cropping up today that could bring discomfort or an inability to connect to resources. I need to remember that money is not everything, and that the best things in life do not cost any coins at all.
My 6-digit date number is 8, the number that tells of a conscious response to the beginning of degeneration of the number 7, in order to attempt to maintain the balance of the number 6.
My horoscopes: “You're most likely going to be very drawn to the things that you can't have, Sagittarius. Instead of getting upset and frustrated by the fact that you aren't getting what you want, look for the lesson in the situation and the reason why you really don't need those things at all. Things with extremely high sentimental value may seem very important to you right now, but maybe there is an important reason why you need to let go and move on from that particular sentiment.”
And: “Does a love partner appear to be rather moody today? One moment your friend may be in a great mood, enthusiastic and optimistic about the future, while the next moment the mood could be one of total gloom. Don't let this get to you - and certainly don't get overtly upset with your partner. Listen rather than talk, and be patient. Tomorrow your friend's moods should be back to normal.”
My Shadowscapes Insight is regarding Strength. This card is about courage, compassion and patience. None of these are easy skills to obtain; working with these skills and owning them involves experiencing them and experiencing their opposites. It is only by actually experiencing (and surviving) the extremes that we are able to know them, to understand them, to make them our own, and to effectively wield them in a situation.
Yesterday I worked at continuing the Dissolution process, while continuing to maintain metabolic discipline. And I ended up having a nice breakthrough of sorts!
I began by thinking about feelings and emotions, and how they could be holding me back from evolving and living. I realized that while I didn’t have trouble connecting to strong and uncomfortable feelings, I was not able to clearly see the source of those feelings, even though I could see the triggers with ease. I realized that perhaps I needed to create a sort of “soundproof room,” or better yet, a “neutral zone,” where I could examine the feelings and emotions that seem to be holding me back, without experiencing their uncomfortable effects. So I created a neutral zone for myself.
Now, I already had a “core worth anchor” (which I created while working with the exercises in Starhawk’s book, “Twelve Wild Swans”) between my solar plexus and sacral chakras, into which I feel all of my positive emotions such as validation, success and confidence, all empowering emotions, as I feel them. This core worth anchor is a great storehouse of these feelings and I can connect with them any time I need an extra punch. I decided that my neutral zone should be in another place, and it did not take me long to realize that I already had the beginning of a neutral zone in my mind. So I began to add details to my neutral zone. I wanted it to be strong enough to hold my experiences so I would remember them. I have learned that often if I am able to resolve an uncomfortable situation by dealing with the emotions connected to that situation, I often have trouble remembering exactly what I did to solve the problem. LOL, it is as if once the situation is solved, everything about it including the solution fades away. I also wanted my neutral zone to be clear rather than opaque, so I could “see” and “perceive” and “experience” the emotions I was studying without having them actually affect me or distract or overwhelm my focus. And of course, there needed to be a conduit so that information could come and go, protected by a strong firewall. Lastly, there had to be an “on/off” switch, so that if things felt out of control, I could shut down the whole process and let it cool down a bit.
Once I felt comfortable with my neutral zone, I began listening to a guided meditation that focused on bringing answers. It was not until more than halfway through the meditation that a key finally presented itself and the process of finding the answer began. The narrator began to create some relaxation, and told listeners to “just be the spirit, enjoying the body you created as a spirit, with no judgment.”
Wow! I actually turned off the guided meditation and thought about that. Yes, that makes sense; granted, we are given a particular physical vehicle when we are born into this life, and while it is assumed that vehicle is completely operational, that does not always happen. However, it is our choices after that moment of birth that actually guide and mold the physical vehicle, in accordance with what we are given at birth, but also in accordance with our life choices as far as eating, exercise, activities, etc.
Okay, this makes sense. For a moment, I probed my own feelings regarding my physical body, and while I certainly felt that I could lose a few pounds, all in all I was comfortable with my body. So that was not my emotional issue. However, there was a discomfort, I just could not identify its source. Time for my neutral zone to be put into play.
Once I put my awareness there, I called my Younger Self. Courage, control and patience are all a part of this card. And those are not small skills easily attained. We cannot know any of them unless we know each of their opposites as well; it is only by experiencing the extremes that we are able to understand them, and tame them to our will.
A brief side note here: Wiccans see the psyche as being broken into three persona: the Talking Self (corresponding to Freud’s ego) who works through words and logic, and helps us to function in the physical world; the Higher Self (corresponding to Freud’s superego), who communicates through symbols rather than words and who is our connection to Deity or to that part of our mind that governs ethics, evolution, compassion and love; and the Younger Self or Child Self (corresponding to Freud’s id), who can communicate through both words and symbols and thus connects the Talking Self with the Higher Self, and who uses belief in order to manifest goals into the physical world (in other words, the Younger Self can do magick). This means that the Younger Self is the perfect person to go to if I want emotional truth, or at least, “truth” according to my Younger Self.
And as I expected, she was angry, shouting and stamping her feet at me and on the verge of a full-blown tantrum. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me. She is angry because no one is listening to her, and she is afraid that everyone else will think she is wrong or not worth anything. I knew exactly where this was going, as I had cleaned out this wound before: my first marriage.
It is amazing how something that happened 40 years ago can still have such an effect on me. But my Talking Self knows that this painful memory only can affect me if I allow it to affect me, or LOL, only if my Younger Self believes this memory still has power over me. Perhaps it was time to probe this event a bit deeper.
I realized that my Younger Self was actually afraid of being helpless again, of being put into a situation that would control so completely. This was a very painful time in my life; I was very young, very shy, and without realizing it, a strong empathic. My first husband was young as well, and had some issues, and because of his need to control and my need to be controlled, the marriage disintegrated into a dictatorship, with my ex as the dictator and me as the oppressed masses. There was no physical abuse, thankfully, but there certainly was psychological abuse. I did finally find the courage to leave and ask for a divorce, and that was the bravest thing I ever did.
I’ve pondered this before, and I wondered why I could not let it go. But then I realized, by those very words, that I must be holding onto that painful time. By holding onto my feelings of being oppressed and not valued and not seen as a valid and smart grownup, I was giving power to the very situation that I was trying to get rid of.
I examined my memories of this time, and then something else became apparent to me. My Younger Self was not only empowering the situation, but she was also accepting the judgment of another person as fact, and then not only accepting that judgment as her own, but putting effort into validating that judgment.
I am not the person my ex perceives me as. In fact, as I thought about the memories of this time from the safety of my neutral zone, I came to believe my ex’s need to control me was directly sourced to his own insecurities. I did what I had to do in order to survive that time, but I did leave the marriage of my own accord. My ex did not want me to leave, and tried every psychological tool he could think of in order to force me to stay in the marriage, but I found the courage and strength to leave anyway. And because of that experience, I will never, ever allow myself to not have control of my own life, not ever again. So that time is actually an integral part of who I am now.
Wow. Where did all that come from, and where was it hiding within me? I have learned something today: when examining painful situations or feelings, it is very important to look at them in detail and to be aware of what they feel like and seem to be made of, but I can’t become those feelings; I can’t own them or see them as valid, as my own truth.
Looks like this neutral zone is going to come in handy. As is the Dissolution process.