Saturday, May 9, 2009

Six of Wands/Three of Wands reversed.  Today as I look back on the past few days, I am filled with a sense of accomplishment, for there is evidence that I am finally making some progress in bringing to life some long term goals.  Important work still lies ahead, but I am being told that it is more important for me today that I validate the presence of personal strength, new connection to my own ethics, and the validation of friendships and the support of others that have been brought into my life with more intensity of late.


My Thoth card for today is Nine of Swords reversed.  In an upright position, this card, called “Cruelty” by Crowley, tells of the agony of the mind.  It is reversed (*whew*), so I am being told that any mental anguish being experienced should be fading away.


I performed a Shadow meditation on the way down to Cape May last night that lasted well over an hour.  Last night presented a personal power time for me, one of those Full Moon days where the sun is ready to set and the moon is rising at the same time, so I thought that this would be a good time to perform a difficult meditation.  The meditation began with me standing on the top of a dune, close enough to the ocean that I could see it in the cleft of two overlapping dunes ahead of me, with my spirit guide of over five years, Ailm, standing next to me.  She and her people spend the Summers at the ocean and the Winters at a village in the forests on the foothills of a mighty mountain range, the village of her mate, Bear.


Ailm hugged me in greeting, and said that she and her group were anticipating reaching the ocean today.  We both stood for a few moments, watching the sun, low in the sky, and the gulls and osprey as they swooped and glided overhead in the evening breezes, and then she said good bye and headed back to her group.  I followed a path through the grasses and stunted trees, toward the ocean.


I climbed the last dune and stood for a moment, breathing deeply, and then moved toward the edge of the water, where I stood, waiting for the sun’s bottom edge to kiss the ocean.  As I waited, I cast a circle around myself and called to my Elemental Companions, asking them to accompany me and protect me as I meditated.  I waited, watching the sun as it gradually disappeared below the horizon; just as the last bit of orange flashed above the waves, to the East there was a blinding flash of ivory white at the horizon.  My moment of power had arrived, and I closed my eyes and opened myself to the energies that were gifted to me from both the Sun Father and the Moon Mother.


After the reds and oranges of the sunset had faded, and the full moon was chasing the Belt of Venus higher in the sky, I turned my back on the ocean and followed the path back into the dunes.  Soon enough I came to what looked like an old fashioned cellar door, the kind of door that Dorothy’s family went down into in the Wizard of Oz.  The door was painted the same color as the surrounding sand and mud, and there was a black circle upon it, representing the dark moon.  I took a breath to steady myself, and then reached down to the latch, and pulled.


The door opened, revealing steps that quickly disappeared into the dark.  The air that came out was damp and cold, and smelled earthy, like the floor of a forest that does not see much sunlight, but it did not smell evil in any way.  I began descending the steps; when I got to the bottom, a hallway stretched out before me.  The floor and the walls and ceiling were lined with dressed stones, and again, while things were damp, they looked in good repair.  Far ahead of me, almost out of sight, a single torch burned in a wall bracket, providing just enough light to see.  


Behind me, the door slammed shut with a loud bang that scared the shit out of me; I jumped about a mile, and then stood there, laughing at myself as the echoes faded away.  Then, I began walking forward.  


Shortly after I passed the torch, the tunnel turned gently to the left and downward; the path continued to circle, with torches placed just often enough so that I wan not in total darkness.  After a bit, the tunnel walls began to look less maintained, and once or twice I had to hop over cracks in the floor.  Then, I came to darkness: no torches ahead.  I stood there, wondering whether I had the guts to keep walking in the dark.  


Then, I saw movement ahead; something was coming toward me, and it was glowing with a  phosphorescent light.  It was a robed and hooded figure, moving smoothly and quietly forward; he (I will say “he” for easy telling, but in truth I did not know if this figure was male or female) stopped at the edge of the darkness.  After a long moment of the two of us standing there, looking at each other, he waved me forward, indicating that I was to follow him, and then turned into the darkness.


He and his robe glowed enough for me to see him, but not enough to light the floor and walls, so I had to completely trust that he would lead me safely, even though I could not see his feet and it seemed as if he floated without touching the floor.  Soon enough, we turned a sharp corner and then entered a small chamber.  There was a fire burning, and there were two branding irons in the fire.  Before the fire there was a wooden chair with a high back and arms; he indicated that I should sit.  He went into the shadows, and came back with a goblet, which he gave me and indicated that I was to drink, which I did.  The liquid was cool, yet it burned a fiery trail down my throat and into my belly.  Suddenly, the room began to spin, and all went dark.


When I awoke, I found myself blindfolded, tied to the chair.  My legs were tied, my torso was tied to the back of the chair, and each of my wrists were tied to a chair arm.  I started as I felt a hand press lightly on my left shoulder; my robed guide was still with me.  I heard him step around me to the fire, and I heard metal clink against metal.  Then he was back, opening the fingers of my left hand so that my palm faced upward.  “Be silent; no sound,” he whispered to me hoarsely.  I stiffened then, because suddenly I had an idea of what was to come.


Two separate times during meditations I had brands placed on my palms, once during the time that I was working on my Sacred Mists Third Degree Assessment (which involved quite a bit of soul searching, and involved pentagrams being branded into my palms), and once last year, when I was working with Archangel Uriel and experiencing some very difficult meditations (flaming suns were branded into the centers of the pentagrams).  


He gently squeezed my fingers as a warning, and then pressed the brand into my palm.  It burned just as much as I remembered, and just when I thought I would have to moan, he lifted the brand.  He repeated the process on the other palm, and then I heard the brands clank together as he placed them back into the fire.  He removed my blindfolds and untied me, and I saw that my flaming suns were now mostly covered by a dark circle, and each had become a solar eclipse on the verge of reaching totality.  I can still see the sigil clearly, and plan on drawing it later today.


He then led me to a crack in the wall, a dank and buggy crack, and indicated that I was to enter it.  Ugh.  Bugs in dark, damp places are a phobia of mine, and I guess this part of my Shadow work will be dealing with bugs.  I took a deep breath, grit my teeth, and slithered in.  It was tight, and I could not see my feet or where I was walking, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t feel the bugs crawling on me.  I shuffled my feet, sliding the bugs out of the way, and moaned as I felt one slide down the back of my shirt and crawl on my back.  Oy, I am getting the chills, just remembering this.  


Suddenly, the way got so narrow that I got stuck!  For a moment, I panicked as claustrophobia and bug phobia erupted, but I began to breathe slowly as I forced myself to calm.  I relaxed my body, allowing my legs to go limp, and I felt myself budge the tiniest of bits.  Slowly I breathed, and as I relaxed completely, my body slid downward.  I came unstuck all at once, and to my horror I slid down a ramp and suddenly shot out into darkness.


I hit water, and came up sputtering.  I found myself in the ocean, with a dark vault of stars and the full moon above me, and with silvery moonlight illuminating the cliff face, complete with the dark hole of the cave that I had shot out of a few moments ago.  I swam to shore, and once on dry land, I spent some time examining the events that had just transpired.  Then, I said good bye to my Elemental Guardians after thanking them for their assistance, and allowed the meditation to fade.


I will be thinking about this meditation today, and the two phobias of mine that were presented within it.  I know that the time of the Full Moon is not a logical one to most for Shadow work, but to me this is a time of personal power, especially because yesterday sunset and moonrise were almost simultaneous (my own personal time of power).  And I need power and confidence to deal with my Shadow!


$


2 comments:

  1. Interesting <---understatement of the century here

    do you think the shadow actually *involves* bugs...or that the bugs are a representation of something else?

    Maybe you're just being prepared to re-do the foundation of your 120yr. old house...lol...

    =)

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  2. *snort* *giggle* Did I show you the crawlspace when you were here? LOL, that is a cobwebby, buggy, damp place. Just typing the word "earwig" makes my skin crawl.

    I think (anyway I sure as heck HOPE) that these messages are symbolic.

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