Strength/The Emperor reversed. The traditional meaning for the Strength card (Fire, hot/separates and dry/shapes, and spontaneous, impulsive and energetic energy; Leo, “I am,” passionate, dramatic, egotistical; Teth, sieve or basket, digestion; and the Path between Geburah, the place where forms and structures are challenged or affirmed, and Chesed, the place where forms and structures are stabilized and nurtured) is the presence of the ability to tame our primitive and wild emotions. This card can also be seen to represent magickal power and sexual power. The Emperor (Fire, hot/separates and dry/shapes, and spontaneous, impulsive, energetic change; Aries, “I want,” action oriented, assertive, competitive; Heh, window, illumination; and the Path between Tiphareth and Chokmah, dynamic male energy and the origin of vital force and polarity) represents the power of the mind and of intentions to shape the world. He is about taking responsibility, and he is about manifesting his good intentions through ethics and order and stability and structure and regulation. Looks like today will not have structure to it, but I won’t be out of control.

My Thoth card is the Princess of Disks. The Princess of Disks (Aries, “I want,” assertive, action oriented, Taurus, “I have,” sensual, cautious, stubborn, and Gemini, “I think,” curious, sociable, dual) is a listener and a learner; she watches his world with curiosity and wants to learn how everything works. Crowley sees this Princess as representing the renewal of the Court Cards, and thus, on the brink of a significant change.

My Legacy card is the King of Coins reversed, flavored by Judgement. The King of Coins (cusp of Aries, “I want,” action oriented, assertive, competitive, and Taurus, “I have,” sensual, stubborn, cautious, physically oriented) is the expert on physical manifestation; he is about working independently and still being effective. Because he is reversed, he supports the energies of the reversed Emperor who is also a part of this spread today. This will not be a day of physical order or accomplishments. Judgement corresponds with Fire (hot/separates and dry/shapes, and spontaneous, impulsive and energetic change), Pluto (power, metamorphosis, cycles of dying and becoming), Shin (fang), and the Path between Malkuth (the physical world of action and physical, outer reality) and Hod (provides analysis and communication) represents the integration of my entire self by answering for my actions and receiving the appropriate response. It seems that I am being told that despite the fact that order and structure and physical world accomplishments will most likely not be a part of my day, a profound realization of some kind may present itself.

My 6-digit date number is 9, the number of completeness of manifestation.

My horoscopes: “If you've been studying astrology, numerology, or any other occult science, Sagittarius, today you might find some of the concepts you're studying a bit confusing. You may have glossed over some of the ideas that are prerequisites to what you're looking at now. Go back and review last week's lesson and everything might make more sense to you. You will probably progress that much faster for doing this.”

And: “Your sign's resume has never included a fondness for being meticulous, discreet or frugal. Those traits, sometimes even in others, bore you to tears. You're known for being a bit too blunt at times, but you're also honest and generous -- which explains the cast of amazingly different characters you call friends. Your mission now -- and it won't be easy -- will be to rein in any urge to go overboard, in any department. Good luck.”

And: “You may have an urge to invent new things. You feel compelled to create something, either in the artistic, technical, or philosophical fields. If only you would give yourself enough time to pursue these imaginings. Today, realize that concentration is the key to accomplishment. Put away such distractions as books, magazines, and newspapers and you may well be surprised by the wealth of inspiration that comes to you. . . .”

My Sun reading: “On Sunday prepare for debates for no reason with people who think their suspicions are well founded. A new romantic partner isn't distant, just shy and nervously putting their worst foot forward. If you think you're interested, take a chance. (The same thing may happen if you're in a steady relationship.)”

This has been a strange day for me, so far. Not what I expected at all.

Friday night, my much-loved Pagan Brain Trust Wayne Contingency came down to Cape May. We sat up late, Tara made an awesome breakfast on Saturday morning, and then we went out. The weather cooperated nicely; we had sun and warmth. We had crocuses blooming, and the first bees buzzing. We drive down to the Cove and spent some time by the jetty. Then we drove to Point Park; well, three of us drove, and Tara walked. We spent a bit of time on the beach there, and Bug and I continued beachcombing while Curly and Tara climbed the lighthouse. Then, the four of us walked the 2-mile hike. We came home for a bit of lunch, and then went to Higbee Beach for a while; we then went to the Cove for sunset. Lots of lovely time outside as I shared some of my favorite places with the Wayne Contingency, and despite each of us having our “Tower” moments, we ended the weekend with a deeper sense of connection, and a stronger and healthier tribe. There is nothing like a day of immersion into the energies of the sea and the sand and the sun to bring the healing that happens with distraction.

After everyone left, I literally crashed on the couch. I stumbled up to bed at about 11:30, and slept through the night. It was when I first opened my eyes at about 5:30 that I remembered this was “spring forward” day. Ugh. I never do well with this one, because the springing forward of an hour goes very much against my body clock, and usually messes me up for most of the day. Sure enough, I have felt out of sorts since I first opened my eyes.

I mentioned above and in my last post how many friends and family of mine are experiencing their own Tower moments, all at the same time. Well, the PBT is not exempt from this. Phillie is experiencing illness of and loss of family members, Bug had a migraine on and off for both Friday and Saturday, Curly had tooth pain, and Tara is recovering from a hugs Tower moment. My intense Tower experiences of the past few days were more of the physical world this time; I spent Thursday evening through Friday morning pumping water out of the basement in Hackensack, had a stressful day at work on Friday, and then watched and read with horror and a strange empathy as Japan dealt with an 8.9 earthquake and possible nuclear reactor meltdowns.

Today, I managed to get my exercises done, despite feeling very out of balance, and I took a walk to the Acme. Instead of feeling better after becoming physically active, the lethargy has been increasing. I spent some time just sitting on the couch, and then laying down, but I didn’t feel tired or sleepy, just very heavy. I sat there, breathing deeply for a while, mentally taking inventory within my heavy, lethargic body. I found no illness, just a huge power drain of some kind. I opened my chakras as I continued with slow and deep breaths, but even the opening and balancing of my chakras did not result in an infusion of physical energy. So, since I decided that I needed to re-read Stuart Wilde’s “The Art of Redemption,” I grabbed the book and wrapped myself in a blanket.

And bang! As usual, good old Stuie gets my brain working, by page 9 this time. I read the words, “It’s as if you step through the doorway going from a very solid yang world to a more hazy yin one, and you do that in order to immerse yourself into another evolution.” Those words seemed powerful to me, and I raised my eyes from the book and looked off into the distance. The physical world was very yang, and the internal world was indeed hazy and soft. I am housed within a physical body, but yet my life force is non-physical. I tried to increase my awareness of that life force, and I realized at that moment that this awareness was completely couched within physical sensations. My physical senses provide the feelings and experiences and the patterns used for recognition of my energy body; all, or at least the majority, of what my energy body is and does and knows is tied to my physical senses and my physical body.

It’s good that I have been continuously increasing my ability to tap into my energy body, but I realized that in many ways, that connection is one-sided or limiting because it depends on my physical body. How can I connect to and experience and understand that which I have no knowledge of? I don’t have an entry in my “pattern catalogue” for this one, so how can I recognize it? How do I get beyond the tie of my physical body?

Stuie says: “I believe that this recognition is an imprint on your soul, an ancient memory meant to remind you that no matter what happens in this life, you belong to a faraway land. Your true home is a dimension beyond fear and pain, a place on honor and nobility – a realm to which one day you’re destined to return.”

Again, I raised my eyes from the page, and looked off into the distance as I thought about this. I thought about the 27^th Path and The Tower, and I thought about the way we deal with pain and chaos. All around me were examples of uncomfortable experiences and grief-filled losses, and the many ways of dealing with them. For a long moment, I allowed my focus to return to my heavy, lethargic body. Even taking a breath was an effort, and I wondered if this is what it would feel like to approach physical death. I experienced each inhalation, and the effort it took to expand my lungs in order to draw in air, to draw in oxygen and race it to my brain, to gather the physiological trash and transport it to the recycling centers of my physical body for disposal as I exhaled. The more I focused my concentration on the maintenance of life in my physical body, the slower and heavier the process became.

Without warning, I felt my physical body fall away, like heavy icicles breaking away from a rain gutter on an early Spring afternoon, falling to the ground and shattering. For a brief moment that seemed to last an eternity, I lost my connection to my physical body and its senses. I did not see with my physical eyes, I did not hear, I took no physical breath because I was not physically connected. Time stood still, and I sensed something, an awareness or way of being, that was not connected to the physical. I was above pain and lethargy, above the focus on details and maintenance of self that is life and living in the physical world. I was not “me” any more, and for just that one moment, for that eternity without end, I felt The Source, The All; I was a part of it.

I don’t know how long I was there, although “there” is not the right word because I was not at a specific place. “There” and “place” can only happen in the physical world. I blinked suddenly, and inhaled sharply as I slammed back into my physical body. What was that?? I wanted back in!

I tried to get back to wherever/whenever/whatever that was, without success. But I knew this sensation; I had one pattern in my catalogue that compared to it. This was the place/time/experience/state of being that was at the bottom of Danu’s Well.

This is the purpose of The Tower, with its pain and anguish. This is the knowledge offered by the 27^th Path to those who embrace its lessons. It’s like basic training of the military; we can’t tap into this “whatever it is” unless we are broken down and pushed out of our physical body, and this breaking down and pushing out can’t happen unless we wear out our survival instinct (which is what keeps us connected to our physical body) and thus, loosen its grasp on our life force. I was able to let go not because of being faced with traumas of my own, but because I had been empathizing with and feeling compassion for the traumas of others, both those known to me and much-loved by me, and those on the other side of the world who were facing death and fear and pain and horror. Faced with the perfect storm of springing ahead and the energies of The Tower, and perhaps aided by all of the energy work I have been doing, I broke away from my “self” and the exclusiveness and self-focus that it involves.

This is it. Oh. My. This is the Aha! Moment I have been reaching for. And more than ever, these mere words absolutely do not come even remotely close to describing what I experienced and what I am feeling right now. Not even remotely close. This is the loss of ego and of a connection to physical things and the ability to control my individual world that The Tower hints at. This is the reward of the 27^th Path that comes by enduring, by experiencing fear so that I know I have courage, by experiencing loss so that I know I have faith. Now, I understand in a new way the message of Kali; I have glimpsed what lies beyond physical existence, and even that tiny glimpse shines brighter than any physical world “thing.”

I am going back there. Now that I have this place/time/state of being, or whatever it is, in my pattern catalogue, I am going to find it again. And already, I am lonely for it.

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