The Horned One/Temperance reversed.  It may appear to me that the challenges of the day are due to outside influences, but actually their source is within me.  I need to understand both the brightest day and the darkest night in order to achieve balance for it is only through experiencing both extremes that I can achieve harmony.  Now is the time for me to take a look at the negative within me and come to understand it.  I need to remind myself that only I have the power to make things right, and that I have the ability to access and use that power effectively. 

My Thoth card for today is the Knight of Swords reversed.  Well, if this card was upright my day would be spent at the mercy of my ideas which, although presented in a clever fashion with compelling and convincing descriptions, would seem to control my focus to the point of futility.  The card, however, is reversed; will this be a day without ideas, or will I be able to control them? 

As a continuation of yesterday’s post, I performed a clarifying meditation on Monday morning after requesting clarification of the message I received on Friday, and it was clarifying in the end. 

The meditation began by picking up from where Uriel left me on Friday night: standing in the fog.  As the fog dissipated, I found myself standing under trees in a forest.  The trees were not old and craggy, but rather young and straight; the canopy was pretty solid, but there must have been a clearing somewhere, because sunlight lit the floor of the forest (which was lightly covered with growth that was no taller than knee height) and I could see around me easily. 

There, standing before me, waiting patiently, was the most beautiful male I had ever seen.  He had dark hair, flecked with gray, that hung down past his shoulders, cobalt blue eyes surrounded by a fringe of dark lashes, a ruggedly handsome face, and a nicely built body, clothed in green and brown.  One corner of his sensuous mouth was tilted upward, as if he knew a secret and it pleased him.  The slanting beams of sunlight seemed to shimmer and dance around him, and I felt drawn to him in an uncomplicated yet primitively powerful way.  As I type this description, I can still feel that pull, unlike any attraction that I had ever felt.  If I had been able to create what I consider the perfect male, the ideal picture of what would attract me at this time of my life, he would be it.  I hesitated, wondering for a moment exactly what kind of clarification this was, and then gave in to the need to move forward, and walked toward him.  As I approached his smile deepened, and he held out his hand.  

Still somewhat hypnotized by his maleness (no other word works) and the primitive pull that was hazing my brain, I took his hand and he led me forward through the trees, turning to smile at me every now and then.  After a few moments, we reached a platform that had been suspended at about waist height between several trees, covered with pine boughs whose fragrance filled the air, and then a pile of tasseled pillows in shades of green and brown and sky blue. 

Before I go any further, I must say this much.  I have an incredibly rich fantasy life, and have watched and taken part in quite a few different events and taken many actions that I would never consider having or doing within the physical world.  I have done quite a bit of exploration in the fantasy realms and within meditations and visualizations, and I visualize myself dancing, performing magick, and yes, having sex, with incredibly powerful and productive results.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t commit murder or anything like that, but I feel that fantasizing is what keeps my meditation skills strong and what allows me to perform rituals and magickal workings with confidence and skill.  

With this in mind, imagine my surprise when I suddenly became uncomfortable.  Here he was, the most majestically masculine being, standing face to face with me, his body almost touching mine; he gently cupped my face and tilted his head and slowly moved his lips toward mine.  Just before we touched, I stopped him even though I was aching for the kiss.  For the first time in my life, I felt that a fantasy kiss was cheating!  He looked momentarily surprised when I stopped him, and then smiled softly and stepped back a bit.  But our eyes remained locked, and he knew somehow exactly how I was feeling, teetering between allowing the fantasy and not allowing the fantasy.  He reached up and stroked my cheek, gently tempting me.  I backed away; he bowed formally, and then turned and faded away into the shadows under the trees. 

The meditation ended, but my pondering as I tried to understand what had just happened was far from over.  I contemplated the single-minded pull that I had felt, and I realized that it was the potential for pleasure that was luring me.  Not love, not admiration, but pleasure.  I was feeling the same type of desire that I feel when I get a sugar craving, only it was not sugar that I was craving.  And yes, I know; I can certainly grab my hubby and scratch the itch whenever needed, but somehow I get the feeling that there was a different message for me here.   Somehow I thought that the message was in the desire, not in the satisfaction of the desire. 

And so, I asked Danu for help.  And soon enough, my thoughts and ponderings were led in the right direction.  The first thing that I focused upon was the fact that this entire fantasy/meditation did not happen in the physical world, it happened within my mind or to my mental self.  Perhaps Uriel was getting frustrated because I was trying to oblige him in the physical realm?  I certainly had some fire ignited within me during that meditation, and I can still feel the power within that fire.  I certainly had been given hints by Uriel, and in hind sight I can’t blame him for smacking me in the forehead.  He keeps getting rid of my physical body, and even had my astral eyes poked out with a sharp dowel in one meditation.  Sorry, belated trigger warning!  Within my meditation on Friday, I felt my physical body grow soft and then melt and drip away.  Perhaps I need to change my focus within the energy work I have been doing, and perhaps I need to stop searching for physical manifestations of this work and instead strive for astral manifestations. 

The second thing that I realized was that within my meditations at least, there does not have to be judgment imposed by or to anyone but me.  And really, I don’t even have to judge myself if I don’t want to.  Danu helped me with that one; She hugged me and assured me that I would not be condemned for anything that I did or did not do, as long as I acted or didn’t act with awareness.  There is a big difference between being judged for actions that were taken while on automatic pilot, and choosing whether to act or not act based upon the consequences that will most likely happen.  I did not kiss my fantasy man because I felt that this particular kiss would be not appropriate.  I may change my mind.  For all I know, I am supposed to kiss him.  But I won’t fall into this on automatic pilot, only to feel that I made a mistake later on.  In the mean time, this craving may end up to be as powerful a source of energy as my sugar cravings! 

Uriel, you have certainly given me food for thought.  And boy, were my Tarot cards right on the money today! 

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