Seven of Wands/Justice reversed. I need to remember that I do have the right to stand up for myself. Fear is a good thing, because it keeps me alert (after all, without fear there would be no opportunity to experience courage), but I must remember that fear should not control me. Deeds from the past are forming the foundation upon which I will build when the time is right; I may be forgetting this however, or I may be allowing myself to be distracted.

My Thoth card for today is that Price of Swords again. Lots of mental and intellectual activity today, but I may find that these ideas and thoughts are very unorganized, possibly to the point of hindering each other. I need to remember that I cannot exist on pure ideas alone; they must sooner or later be given life!

I had an interesting meditation on Friday night on the way down to Cape May, with a clarification meditation this morning, on the way back. The meditation began with me standing on the top of a mountain, with the sky above a clear blue, the air crisp and cold, and with a blanket of clouds below me, obscuring most of what lay below, except for the occasional glimpse of the top of a smaller peak. I stood there for a while, breathing in the clear and clean air and exhaling the stresses of the week just passed.

After a little time, I realized that the cloud cover was thinning somewhat, and I got occasional glimpses of some kind of city, far below. This city was large and sprawling, filling a deep valley and even extending here and there up onto the foothills that ringed much of the valley, and the buildings were mostly of a light brown color, with no sky scrapers or unusual structures to be seen. I did not get any feeling as to where this city was, or even when it was, as it was far below me and I could not see details, but it was inhabited, for I could see movement and I could see smoke coming from chimneys.

Suddenly, without warning, what appeared to be a meteor streaked from my upper left, moving down and to the right, to land right in the middle of the city. From my vantage point I watched the shock wave as it moved outward from the center point of ground zero; within seconds the entire city was obscured by billowing dust, flames and smoke. The entire cloud of destruction came surging over the foothills and up the sides of the mountains, like a tidal wave hitting the shore. For a second or two I thought that it would sweep over my mountain peak and overwhelm me as sound caught up with sight, the air was filled with the sound of explosions, and the very mountain upon which I stood trembled from the impact, but the cloud stopped short of my vantage point and billowed back toward the center of destruction below me. Thankfully the clouds and smoke obscured the sights of the horrors that must be happening below me to the inhabitants of that city. Steam began to billow between the dust clouds, rising upward even higher than my mountain peak, to level off far above. Soon enough lightning began to flash and thunder rumbled, and then it began to rain.

I stood there in the rain, shutting my eyes and raising my face, allowing the cool, clear water to rinse over me. To my surprise, I saw that the water that washed down my body and ran off onto the mountain was no longer clear, but rather was a creamy brown color, the same color as my skin. My surprise turned to horror as I realized that it *was* my skin; in fact, I was melting away as the rain pelted me. Streaks of light brown ran down the mountain in all directions, and I experienced the unsettling sensation of the outer layers of my body slowly liquefying and flowing downward. I raised my left arm to look at my hand, and to my surprise I still had a body, but it was silver in color, and I only had a thumb and three fingers instead of four. I closed and opened my fingers; how strange it felt to have only four fingers on my hand instead of five! I focused inward and I realized that this body was just a little bit different than the one that I had been inhabiting, but before I could pinpoint the differences, fog billowed upward and over my head, obscuring my vision for a long moment.

Once the fog began to thin once more, I found that I was no longer on top of the mountain, and my body was back to what it has always been. Now, I was standing before Archangel Uriel, robed in flowing white with a golden belt. He was guarding a door, a plain old door, like the one into my bedroom; He was holding his golden sword with both hands, pointed downward, and He stood there without moving, watching me as I watched him, His eyes like two suns, difficult to look into and framed by blond lashes tipped in auburn.

“You cannot enter,” He finally said to me. What the heck? I hesitated for a moment, wondering how Uriel would react if I questioned him, and then I decided that I would never learn unless I asked questions, so I decided to risk His anger.

“What do you mean, I can’t enter?” I asked. “I’ve been doing everything you asked of me, putting in lots of efforts. I’m not perfect, but perfection isn’t a reasonable expectation. What else do you want of me?”

“You must awaken,” Uriel responded. “Awaken what?” I responded, starting to feel impatient. We have been through this before, with Uriel touching my third eye chakra, and then sharply slapping my third eye chakra and knocking me to the ground, with energy awakenings resulting from both of those touches.

“You must awaken the fire,” was His answer. And then, after a pause, Uriel said, “I have helped and hinted all that I can. It is up to *you* now.” Then, the meditation faded abruptly.

Okay, I felt confused and even a little reprimanded after that abrupt ending, although I don’t know what I did wrong or what I had failed to do. More to come; I will post the next part of this meditation tomorrow, after I’ve had some time to digest it.

We had a great weekend, lots of walking and biking and sitting on the beach, and even swimming! We ate too much, of course, but hopefully most of the eating was counteracted by the walking and biking. Next weekend is the Fourth of July, so we have lots of fun to look forward to, and a house full of company again!

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