Knight of Swords reversed/Ace of Swords. The Knight of Swords (the cusp of Taurus, “I have,” sensual, stubborn, cautious, and Gemini, “I think,” curious, talkative, dual, intelligent) is not afraid of taking action, not afraid of wading into conflicts, and not afraid to implement new ideas.  Emotions and compassion are absolutely not a part of his M.O., and for the good or the bad, he believes in himself completely. However, he is reversed today, so self-doubt may be an issue for me.  The Ace of Swords (Capricorn, “I build,” ambition, caution authority, cunning, Aquarius and Pisces, “I believe,” feeling, duality, soul growth, artistic) can be seen as the birthplace of ideas and concepts, and of challenges which offer the opportunity for growth, and also the beginning of the development of a sense of identity.  The element of Air, which corresponds with the suit of Swords, does not have self-generated impulses, but it can easily have an effect when influenced by the other elements.  This might be particularly an issue today, since the very self-generated Knight is reversed.

My Thoth card is the Seven of Wands reversed. “Valor” The Seven of Wands (Mars, action, spontaneity, aggression, drive, in Leo, “I am,” passionate, dramatic, natural leader, egotistical, selfish) has a personal significance for me, given to me by Archangel Uriel.  I see this card as representing the approach of a Threshold, and the need to pass the tests of the Guardian.  Crowley sees this card in an upright position as indicating that the time has come for individual valor, as the army is in disarray.  The card is reversed, however, so I need to hold myself back from individual acts of bravery until a more auspicious time.

My Legacy card is the King of Cups flavored by the Page of Cups reversed. The King of Cups (cusp of Libra, “We are,” partnerships, balance, cooperation, and Scorpio, “I desire,” intense, controlling mysterious, obsessive) is the expert on emotions and the subconscious, mainly because of his life experiences.  He is good at listening to others, good at tending others, but is sometimes not so good at being in touch with his own feelings. The Page of Cups corresponds to Libra (“we are,” partnerships, balance, cooperation), Scorpio (“I desire,” intensity compulsion, mystery) and Sagittarius (“I seek,” philosophic, adventurous, blundering), and corresponds to my connections to others and to my own inner self.  Unlike the King of Cups, this Page is in touch with his own feelings, but he is reversed, and so he may be validating the King’s inability to effectively hear his own inner voice. 

My 6-digit date number is 4, the number of depth and stability.

My horoscopes: “You seem frustrated today, Sagittarius! There's only one person who could possibly arouse your anger to such a degree, and that's you. Today's aspect is favorable for crises of conscience that result in a change of attitude. You're likely to remember to choose your words more carefully from now on.”

And: “Your finances are becoming a bigger issue in your life right now, and conservation should be a high priority starting now. There's no need to drastically change your lifestyle, but a few nips and tucks here and there might be a good idea. Go for the tall coffee, not the grande; brown bag it for lunch for one week; and consider that public transportation may not be so bad after all. Tiny changes will give you new experiences while they help your wallet, so check them out!”

And: “Today may be a tough one for you. It might seem like nothing is fitting into place. Could it be that you are trying to be someone that you are not? If things don't seem to be working out, don't press the issue. You are better off waiting for a time in which you feel more confident about who you are and where you are going. Meanwhile, pour yourself a cup of tea and relax. Releasing stress can clear up a great deal of energy for use in other things.”

My Sun reading: “Mercury and Pluto fuel powerful communications. Add the lunar touch, and you're very persuasive because you speak from your heart and soul. You sing love songs in harmony and peace tonight. If you're single, flattery gets you anywhere under a Leo Moon.”

This morning, my unease has morphed into melancholy.  I am in Cape May alone, which is a good thing; maybe I can figure out what has become disconnected in my energy body. 

I allowed myself to sleep in today, after a busy day yesterday.  I drove to Easton, Pennsylvania for the bridal shower of the fiancé of my godson, Justin.  After spending a lovely afternoon with family, I drove to Cape May.  During that drive, I carefully and completely opened and cleaned and balanced my chakras, and then applied Reiki to them; I’m hoping that more intense chakra work will help me to deal with whatever is up with my energy body.

I walked to the Cove and back, once again probing myself, trying to find exactly where the sore spot was within me.  To my surprise, my Younger Self immediately began a hissy fit. 

She was reacting to a discussion that I had last weekend, one of those intense discussions about heavy duty life stuff that can either make you feel real good (when you are able to connect with someone else and resonate together) or real bad (when, even though you both are saying the same things, it feels like you are arguing).  This was one of the latter discussions, and at the time I shrugged it off, but apparently I am still being bothered by the disconnect. 

My Younger Self’s hissy fit was basically happening because she felt the tone of the discussion was totally **not** acknowledging my own level of expertise.  She kept stamping her feet and shouting, “[The other person in this discussion] is **not** the only person with training.  I have training, too!!!  I’ve worked damned hard for over eight years to get where I am now.  I am Somebody, too!!!”

**sigh**  Here I am, working on the 19th Path of the Tree of Life and finally feeling able to call myself an Adept, and I am experiencing a crisis of self-worth.  Go figure.  I thought I was done with this kind of comparison, but apparently not.  I hugged my Younger Self tight, and began to calmly and softly talk to her.  I told her that first of all, not everyone in this world is going to acknowledge the validity of my training.  Second of all, the deeper she and I get into this training, the less we are going to be able to get validation for what we are learning. The lessons are just way too experiential. Third, and most important (and most true!), I told my Younger Self that there is absolutely no way that I would be able to do the work I am doing without her, so no matter whether or not others are impressed with our level of expertise, I am impressed with her level of expertise.  I cannot do what I am doing without her; I would not have been able to get where I am right now without her.  She is the most important part of me for this kind of work, because she is the reason I can do it at all.  I can’t make this Journey unless she is walking beside me, holding my hand.

I think I made her feel better; and typing this entry is helping even more.  The perception others have of my level of expertise matters, don’t get me wrong, but if others can’t see the progress and growth that has happened for me and that continues to happen for me, that does not mean that progress and growth does not exist.  And some words from a post on the Alchemy Journal really resonate for me today: “We perceive fear as a lack of or absence of courage but courage is not the absence of fear, it is a decision to not be held back by fear. Finding the strength and courage to change your thinking or your situation is one issue, finding the strength and courage to maintain the changes is another.”  I think my task today is more about maintaining.

A water cleanse may be in order.  I will be drinking lots of water today, flooding my system and hopefully washing away any toxins or detritus. Tomorrow is another day, and oh boy, am I dealing with Geburah today!

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