Nine of Cups/The Sun.  Oooh, nice!  The Nine of Cups (cusp of Aquarius, “I know,” friendships, the group, cause-oriented, and Pisces, “I believe,” feelings, duality, suffering, soul growth) is about emotional satisfaction and the ability to find pleasure in my feelings and in my expectations for the day.  The Nine of Cups is a card of feelings and emotions, but it also tells us that the pleasure can also be connected to our senses, and thus to the physical world. The Sun corresponds with Fire (hot/separates and dry/shapes, spontaneous, impulsive and energetic change), our Sun (the inner core of a person or situation), Resh (the face; reason), and the Path between Yesod (the place where patterns and images emerge that may manifest in the physical world) and Hod (provides analysis and communication), and tells of a time of enlightenment. This card usually indicates that an intellectual breakthrough could be upon me, and I should allow myself to be optimistic.  Both of these cards are good one, and perhaps my day in the sun is approaching; I had better keep expecting the best!

My Thoth card is the Three of Swords reversed.  Whew!  “Sorrow,” but reversed. The Three of Swords (Saturn, discipline, responsibility, limitations and resistance, in Libra, “We are,” partnerships, balance, cooperation) usually indicates the possibility that logic and the intellect could end up causing harm, but thankfully my Three of Swords is reversed.  My time of feeling isolated or lost could be fading away.  I am so ready for that!

My Legacy card is the King of Coins reversed, flavored by the Five of Cups. The King of Coins (cusp of Aries, “I want,” action oriented, assertive, competitive, and Taurus, “I have,” sensual, stubborn, cautious, physically oriented) is the expert on physical world manifestation of all kinds.  Because my King is reversed, and being flavored by the Five of Cups (Mars, action, aggression, drive, in Scorpio, “I desire,” intense, controlling, mysterious, obsessive) which tells of emotional down time, a setback or a lack of support, there may be some potential issues cropping up today that could bring discomfort or an inability to connect to resources.  I need to remember that money is not everything, and that the best things in life do not cost any coins at all.

My 6-digit date number is 8, the number that tells of a conscious response to the beginning of degeneration of the number 7, in order to attempt to maintain the balance of the number 6.

My horoscopes: “You're most likely going to be very drawn to the things that you can't have, Sagittarius. Instead of getting upset and frustrated by the fact that you aren't getting what you want, look for the lesson in the situation and the reason why you really don't need those things at all. Things with extremely high sentimental value may seem very important to you right now, but maybe there is an important reason why you need to let go and move on from that particular sentiment.”

And: “Does a love partner appear to be rather moody today? One moment your friend may be in a great mood, enthusiastic and optimistic about the future, while the next moment the mood could be one of total gloom. Don't let this get to you - and certainly don't get overtly upset with your partner. Listen rather than talk, and be patient. Tomorrow your friend's moods should be back to normal.”

My Shadowscapes Insight is regarding Strength.  This card is about courage, compassion and patience.  None of these are easy skills to obtain; working with these skills and owning them involves experiencing them and experiencing their opposites.  It is only by actually experiencing (and surviving) the extremes that we are able to know them, to understand them, to make them our own, and to effectively wield them in a situation. 

Yesterday I worked at continuing the Dissolution process, while continuing to maintain metabolic discipline.  And I ended up having a nice breakthrough of sorts!

I began by thinking about feelings and emotions, and how they could be holding me back from evolving and living.  I realized that while I didn’t have trouble connecting to strong and uncomfortable feelings, I was not able to clearly see the source of those feelings, even though I could see the triggers with ease.  I realized that perhaps I needed to create a sort of “soundproof room,” or better yet, a “neutral zone,” where I could examine the feelings and emotions that seem to be holding me back, without experiencing their uncomfortable effects.  So I created a neutral zone for myself.

Now, I already had a “core worth anchor” (which I created while working with the exercises in Starhawk’s book, “Twelve Wild Swans”) between my solar plexus and sacral chakras, into which I feel all of my positive emotions such as validation, success and confidence, all empowering emotions, as I feel them.  This core worth anchor is a great storehouse of these feelings and I can connect with them any time I need an extra punch.  I decided that my neutral zone should be in another place, and it did not take me long to realize that I already had the beginning of a neutral zone in my mind.  So I began to add details to my neutral zone.  I wanted it to be strong enough to hold my experiences so I would remember them.  I have learned that often if I am able to resolve an uncomfortable situation by dealing with the emotions connected to that situation, I often have trouble remembering exactly what I did to solve the problem.  LOL, it is as if once the situation is solved, everything about it including the solution fades away.  I also wanted my neutral zone to be clear rather than opaque, so I could “see” and “perceive” and “experience” the emotions I was studying without having them actually affect me or distract or overwhelm my focus.  And of course, there needed to be a conduit so that information could come and go, protected by a strong firewall.  Lastly, there had to be an “on/off” switch, so that if things felt out of control, I could shut down the whole process and let it cool down a bit.

Once I felt comfortable with my neutral zone, I began listening to a guided meditation that focused on bringing answers.  It was not until more than halfway through the meditation that a key finally presented itself and the process of finding the answer began.  The narrator began to create some relaxation, and told listeners to “just be the spirit, enjoying the body you created as a spirit, with no judgment.” 

Wow!  I actually turned off the guided meditation and thought about that.  Yes, that makes sense; granted, we are given a particular physical vehicle when we are born into this life, and while it is assumed that vehicle is completely operational, that does not always happen.  However, it is our choices after that moment of birth that actually guide and mold the physical vehicle, in accordance with what we are given at birth, but also in accordance with our life choices as far as eating, exercise, activities, etc.

Okay, this makes sense.  For a moment, I probed my own feelings regarding my physical body, and while I certainly felt that I could lose a few pounds, all in all I was comfortable with my body.  So that was not my emotional issue.  However, there was a discomfort, I just could not identify its source.  Time for my neutral zone to be put into play.

Once I put my awareness there, I called my Younger Self.  Courage, control and patience are all a part of this card.  And those are not small skills easily attained.  We cannot know any of them unless we know each of their opposites as well; it is only by experiencing the extremes that we are able to understand them, and tame them to our will. 

A brief side note here: Wiccans see the psyche as being broken into three persona: the Talking Self (corresponding to Freud’s ego) who works through words and logic, and helps us to function in the physical world; the Higher Self (corresponding to Freud’s superego), who communicates through symbols rather than words and who is our connection to Deity or to that part of our mind that governs ethics, evolution, compassion and love; and the Younger Self or Child Self (corresponding to Freud’s id), who can communicate through both words and symbols and thus connects the Talking Self with the Higher Self, and who uses belief in order to manifest goals into the physical world (in other words, the Younger Self can do magick).  This means that the Younger Self is the perfect person to go to if I want emotional truth, or at least, “truth” according to my Younger Self.

And as I expected, she was angry, shouting and stamping her feet at me and on the verge of a full-blown tantrum.  I asked her what was wrong, and she told me.  She is angry because no one is listening to her, and she is afraid that everyone else will think she is wrong or not worth anything.  I knew exactly where this was going, as I had cleaned out this wound before: my first marriage.

It is amazing how something that happened 40 years ago can still have such an effect on me.  But my Talking Self knows that this painful memory only can affect me if I allow it to affect me, or LOL, only if my Younger Self believes this memory still has power over me.  Perhaps it was time to probe this event a bit deeper.

I realized that my Younger Self was actually afraid of being helpless again, of being put into a situation that would control so completely.  This was a very painful time in my life; I was very young, very shy, and without realizing it, a strong empathic.  My first husband was young as well, and had some issues, and because of his need to control and my need to be controlled, the marriage disintegrated into a dictatorship, with my ex as the dictator and me as the oppressed masses.  There was no physical abuse, thankfully, but there certainly was psychological abuse.  I did finally find the courage to leave and ask for a divorce, and that was the bravest thing I ever did. 

I’ve pondered this before, and I wondered why I could not let it go.  But then I realized, by those very words, that I must be holding onto that painful time.  By holding onto my feelings of being oppressed and not valued and not seen as a valid and smart grownup, I was giving power to the very situation that I was trying to get rid of. 

I examined my memories of this time, and then something else became apparent to me.  My Younger Self was not only empowering the situation, but she was also accepting the judgment of another person as fact, and then not only accepting that judgment as her own, but putting effort into validating that judgment. 

I am not the person my ex perceives me as.  In fact, as I thought about the memories of this time from the safety of my neutral zone, I came to believe my ex’s need to control me was directly sourced to his own insecurities.  I did what I had to do in order to survive that time, but I did leave the marriage of my own accord.  My ex did not want me to leave, and tried every psychological tool he could think of in order to force me to stay in the marriage, but I found the courage and strength to leave anyway.  And because of that experience, I will never, ever allow myself to not have control of my own life, not ever again.  So that time is actually an integral part of who I am now. 

Wow.  Where did all that come from, and where was it hiding within me?  I have learned something today: when examining painful situations or feelings, it is very important to look at them in detail and to be aware of what they feel like and seem to be made of, but I can’t become those feelings; I can’t own them or see them as valid, as my own truth. 

Looks like this neutral zone is going to come in handy. As is the Dissolution process.

$>

Knight of Swords reversed/Ace of Swords. The Knight of Swords (the cusp of Taurus, “I have,” sensual, stubborn, cautious, and Gemini, “I think,” curious, talkative, dual, intelligent) is not afraid of taking action, not afraid of wading into conflicts, and not afraid to implement new ideas.  Emotions and compassion are absolutely not a part of his M.O., and for the good or the bad, he believes in himself completely. However, he is reversed today, so self-doubt may be an issue for me.  The Ace of Swords (Capricorn, “I build,” ambition, caution authority, cunning, Aquarius and Pisces, “I believe,” feeling, duality, soul growth, artistic) can be seen as the birthplace of ideas and concepts, and of challenges which offer the opportunity for growth, and also the beginning of the development of a sense of identity.  The element of Air, which corresponds with the suit of Swords, does not have self-generated impulses, but it can easily have an effect when influenced by the other elements.  This might be particularly an issue today, since the very self-generated Knight is reversed.

My Thoth card is the Seven of Wands reversed. “Valor” The Seven of Wands (Mars, action, spontaneity, aggression, drive, in Leo, “I am,” passionate, dramatic, natural leader, egotistical, selfish) has a personal significance for me, given to me by Archangel Uriel.  I see this card as representing the approach of a Threshold, and the need to pass the tests of the Guardian.  Crowley sees this card in an upright position as indicating that the time has come for individual valor, as the army is in disarray.  The card is reversed, however, so I need to hold myself back from individual acts of bravery until a more auspicious time.

My Legacy card is the King of Cups flavored by the Page of Cups reversed. The King of Cups (cusp of Libra, “We are,” partnerships, balance, cooperation, and Scorpio, “I desire,” intense, controlling mysterious, obsessive) is the expert on emotions and the subconscious, mainly because of his life experiences.  He is good at listening to others, good at tending others, but is sometimes not so good at being in touch with his own feelings. The Page of Cups corresponds to Libra (“we are,” partnerships, balance, cooperation), Scorpio (“I desire,” intensity compulsion, mystery) and Sagittarius (“I seek,” philosophic, adventurous, blundering), and corresponds to my connections to others and to my own inner self.  Unlike the King of Cups, this Page is in touch with his own feelings, but he is reversed, and so he may be validating the King’s inability to effectively hear his own inner voice. 

My 6-digit date number is 4, the number of depth and stability.

My horoscopes: “You seem frustrated today, Sagittarius! There's only one person who could possibly arouse your anger to such a degree, and that's you. Today's aspect is favorable for crises of conscience that result in a change of attitude. You're likely to remember to choose your words more carefully from now on.”

And: “Your finances are becoming a bigger issue in your life right now, and conservation should be a high priority starting now. There's no need to drastically change your lifestyle, but a few nips and tucks here and there might be a good idea. Go for the tall coffee, not the grande; brown bag it for lunch for one week; and consider that public transportation may not be so bad after all. Tiny changes will give you new experiences while they help your wallet, so check them out!”

And: “Today may be a tough one for you. It might seem like nothing is fitting into place. Could it be that you are trying to be someone that you are not? If things don't seem to be working out, don't press the issue. You are better off waiting for a time in which you feel more confident about who you are and where you are going. Meanwhile, pour yourself a cup of tea and relax. Releasing stress can clear up a great deal of energy for use in other things.”

My Sun reading: “Mercury and Pluto fuel powerful communications. Add the lunar touch, and you're very persuasive because you speak from your heart and soul. You sing love songs in harmony and peace tonight. If you're single, flattery gets you anywhere under a Leo Moon.”

This morning, my unease has morphed into melancholy.  I am in Cape May alone, which is a good thing; maybe I can figure out what has become disconnected in my energy body. 

I allowed myself to sleep in today, after a busy day yesterday.  I drove to Easton, Pennsylvania for the bridal shower of the fiancé of my godson, Justin.  After spending a lovely afternoon with family, I drove to Cape May.  During that drive, I carefully and completely opened and cleaned and balanced my chakras, and then applied Reiki to them; I’m hoping that more intense chakra work will help me to deal with whatever is up with my energy body.

I walked to the Cove and back, once again probing myself, trying to find exactly where the sore spot was within me.  To my surprise, my Younger Self immediately began a hissy fit. 

She was reacting to a discussion that I had last weekend, one of those intense discussions about heavy duty life stuff that can either make you feel real good (when you are able to connect with someone else and resonate together) or real bad (when, even though you both are saying the same things, it feels like you are arguing).  This was one of the latter discussions, and at the time I shrugged it off, but apparently I am still being bothered by the disconnect. 

My Younger Self’s hissy fit was basically happening because she felt the tone of the discussion was totally **not** acknowledging my own level of expertise.  She kept stamping her feet and shouting, “[The other person in this discussion] is **not** the only person with training.  I have training, too!!!  I’ve worked damned hard for over eight years to get where I am now.  I am Somebody, too!!!”

**sigh**  Here I am, working on the 19th Path of the Tree of Life and finally feeling able to call myself an Adept, and I am experiencing a crisis of self-worth.  Go figure.  I thought I was done with this kind of comparison, but apparently not.  I hugged my Younger Self tight, and began to calmly and softly talk to her.  I told her that first of all, not everyone in this world is going to acknowledge the validity of my training.  Second of all, the deeper she and I get into this training, the less we are going to be able to get validation for what we are learning. The lessons are just way too experiential. Third, and most important (and most true!), I told my Younger Self that there is absolutely no way that I would be able to do the work I am doing without her, so no matter whether or not others are impressed with our level of expertise, I am impressed with her level of expertise.  I cannot do what I am doing without her; I would not have been able to get where I am right now without her.  She is the most important part of me for this kind of work, because she is the reason I can do it at all.  I can’t make this Journey unless she is walking beside me, holding my hand.

I think I made her feel better; and typing this entry is helping even more.  The perception others have of my level of expertise matters, don’t get me wrong, but if others can’t see the progress and growth that has happened for me and that continues to happen for me, that does not mean that progress and growth does not exist.  And some words from a post on the Alchemy Journal really resonate for me today: “We perceive fear as a lack of or absence of courage but courage is not the absence of fear, it is a decision to not be held back by fear. Finding the strength and courage to change your thinking or your situation is one issue, finding the strength and courage to maintain the changes is another.”  I think my task today is more about maintaining.

A water cleanse may be in order.  I will be drinking lots of water today, flooding my system and hopefully washing away any toxins or detritus. Tomorrow is another day, and oh boy, am I dealing with Geburah today!

$

Queen of Cups reversed/Queen of Pentacles. Okay! How to be and how **not** to be in two easy Tarot cards. Water of Water (cold/binds and wet/adapts) reversed, and Water (cold/binds and wet/adapts) of Earth (cold/binds and dry/shapes). Okay, let’s break this down further. We have three parts Water and one part Earth in these two cards, which are certainly a card pair, but which one? The first Queen is Water of Water, and in an upright position it tells that the emotions are supporting the emotions; this is known as a reflective force because the combination acts like a loop that continually supports itself. Water and Earth are passively friendly to each other (the wet/adapts and dry/shapes parts), and they both support stability (the cold/binds part), so these two elements in the Queen of Pentacles are considered a regenerative force because the emotions support the senses. Astrologically, the Cups Queen represents the cusp of Gemini (“I think”) and Cancer (“I feel”) (and The Lovers/The Chariot); the Pentacles Queen represents the cusp of Sagittarius (“I seek”) and Capricorn (“I build”) (Temperance/The Devil). We have a strong inner focus, reversed, and a calm grounding that can become addictive. I think this is actually a reinforcing pair! I am being told that I will find it easy to focus on the physical realm today as opposed to my inner voice, but I need to be aware that my inner voice is not being heard because without the balance of that inner voice, I may end up stagnating under the weight of my physical realm focus. Cool!!

My Thoth card is the Ten of Swords. “Ruin” today; ho boy! But there are good things to be found from destruction, as the people in Haiti are hopefully learning. Once the storm is over, we can choose to rebuild even better than before. So coming to the ultimate burnout of the control of the intellect leaves room for the other elements to blossom. Yep, can’t tell if the glass is half full or half empty cause the glass broke and the water spilled out; we can sit here and cry about it, or we can get a new and even better glass.

My Legacy card is the Nine of Coins. I like this card! Marchetti describes this card as “the card of accomplishments,” and says that this card represents the hard work that is behind the scenes (in other words, that only I know is happening) that brings me to gain and pleasure. The Astrological association is the Sun (the inner core of a person, the deepest and most influential power) in Virgo (“I serve,” practical, work oriented, analytical).

Very clear message from my cards today: get real! And: enjoy! Oh-kay! *snort* My interpretations are getting longer, but I am also adding really great texture to my card meanings. Uncle Al would be proud of me!!

I have been briefly checking in with my Younger Self every so often lately, and last night I spent some quality time with her. I told her that I was hers for the night and asked what she wanted to do. She did not want to sit down and read a book, she was excited to **do** something, and we ended up on the boardwalk, going on rides.

We went on the merry-go-round, chose two prancing horses side by side, and laughed with joy. My Younger Self even managed to grab the brass ring, even though I kept telling her she was going to fall. I have never seen her sooooo excited!

After the merry-go-round, we did all the other rides that I used to love in Fun Town; the boats, the cars, the helicopters, the tea cups. She did not want to go on the roller coaster, but I did talk her into going on the log flume. She loved it! And LOL, when we came to the final drop, where the water ends up splashing all over the place, at just the right moment she ducked, and I was drenched. Oh, did she laugh, and so did I because I really enjoyed how pleased she was with herself because she got me wet.

We stopped to buy some cotton candy, and shared it as we sat on a bench and watched the other kids on the rides. We finished our evening by taking the train ride, which circles all of Fun Town twice; as we rode past the roller coaster, a car passed us with a wooooosh and a rattle, and we laughed as we saw the faces of the people on the ride. Then she snuggled up next to me for the rest of the ride, and since I could tell that she was getting tired, we left.

I can still feel her, snuggling up next to me. There is nothing like the relaxation of a child who is tired because she had lots of fun.

Well, I am secure and well rested. Now, all I need to do is get a week or two off with pay so that I can take care of all the things that are calling to me. Like finish my Second Degree Lesson rewrite, decorate my Sacred Masculine wand, clean out my email inbox, get my BOS back in order, wrap some beach glass. LOL, you know . . . those really important things that don’t offer a paycheck, at least not one that is in dollars.

Back to work; maybe by the end of the day I will be able to cross one or two things off my list. And the Pagan Brain Trust meets tonight, so I even have a carrot at the end of the stick to aim for!!

$

Nine of Swords reversed/Page of Cups reversed. Okay, I may not be worried, but I am also not yet allowing my Younger Self out to play. I need to remember that blocking the tendency to brood too effectively could very well shut down all feelings, not just the destructive ones.

My Thoth card is the Prince of Swords. Again. Here is what SuperTarot says about the Prince and Princess of Swords from Crowley’s Thoth Tarot:

“The character of the Princess is stern and revengeful. Her logic is destructive. She is firm and aggressive, with great practical wisdom and subtlety in material things. She shows great cleverness and dexterity in the management of practical affairs, especially where they are of a controversial nature. She is very adroit in the settlement of controversies. If ill-dignified, all these qualities are dispersed; she becomes incoherent, and all her gifts tend to combine to form a species of low cunning whose object is unworthy of the means. The Princess of Swords is a young, very perceptive person.” (The image on the card appears more defensive to me.)

“A person symbolized by this Prince is purely intellectual. He is full of ideas and designs which tumble over each other. He is a mass of fine ideals unrelated to practical effort. He has all the apparatus of Thought in the highest degree, intensely clever, admirably rational, but unstable of purpose, and in reality indifferent even to his own ideas, as knowing that any one of them is just as good as any other. He reduces everything to unreality by removing its substance and transmuting it to an ideal world of ratiocination which is purely formal and out of relation to any facts, even those upon which it is based. A military man.” (The image on the card appears more aggressive to me.)

It sounds as if I am using my brain way too much and not allowing my emotions or my instincts to even have the slightest input. I need to allow myself to choose one concept to focus on, rather than trying to keep all the balls in the air at once. Things have been so busy these past weeks, and I am feeling more and more that I need to bring everything current. LOL, if only I had the time. Maybe that Prince with his intense focuses is not allowing me to see that I won’t drop all the balls if I allow myself to let one slide away.

My Legacy card is the Two of Cups reversed. Again. Marchetti sees this card as representing romance and recognition, in that the success of any relationship depends in part on how we see ourselves reflected in our lover’s eyes. Perhaps I am not comfortable with the image I am seeing reflected there.

More Shadow Work last night, after I downloaded Snow Leopard. I wonder if all the hidden upheavals hinted by my repetitive cards of late have to do with the deep probing of my psyche that is happening within my Shadow Work. Despite the fact that I have strong lines of communication with my Younger Self, and despite the fact that I have worked with my shadow self and uncovered some hurts that have affected and controlled me through the years, I get the feeling that she is hiding something from me, some deep dark fear or hurt. I also get the feeling that my Younger Self is uneasy because the cards in my Shadow Work spreads are circling ever closer to whatever she is hiding.

The cards that have shown up repeatedly in the past few days are: Two of Cups, Three of Cups, Princess (Page) and Prince (Knight) of Swords; plus I have thrown the Nine of Cups, Nine of Wands and Nine of Swords, and one other Princess, of Cups, with all Court Cards being of the Thoth deck. Seeing the cards as only keywords we get “recognizing love in a mate,” “the power of the group,” “logic and perception,” “purely intellectual,” “satisfaction,” “being ‘aware,’” and “inner or self-caused anguish.” That extra Princess of Cups would be “pure generosity with no strings attached.” I am not including reversals until the next paragraph because I think it is more important, at least while first looking, that I understand the general meanings of the cards, without imposing into the mix the positive or negative effects of their presence or absence. To me, the general theme here is perceived safety, if we assume that being loved and accepted without strings equals safety.

Okay, now for reversals and upright cards. The Two of Cups and the Princess of Swords are reversed each time they appear, as is the other Thoth Princess, of the suit of Cups. The Three of Cups is upright each time it appears, and on one day this card appeared in two different decks. All of the Nines are upright as well. Only the Prince of Swords has been both upright and reversed.

Looks like having the support and caring of the group is something that is important to me right now. While I may not like the way loved ones appear to see me, I am not very effective right now at using logic to define or defend my perceptions of myself, and my intellect seems to be experiencing on-again off-again extremes. This means that what I think someone feels about me may not be what they are actually feeling. One thing is for certain, with three Nines showing up, something is building, and a climax of some sort is approaching.

Add this to the results of my Shadow Work thus far, which tell me that even though I have walked the walk and talked the talk, and even though I have done exhaustive research, I still don’t trust myself to take a stand. I am still afraid of the judgment of others, and I am afraid that all my work will be toppled down with ease and thus shown to be inadequate.

Methinks my Shadow Work is working!!

$

Five of Wands/Six of Pentacles reversed. Today will be a day of multiple minor conflicts and a lack of resources, or at least a perception of lack of resources. The issues that will be demanding my attention will be minor ones but they will probably tend to appear in groups. The solution is to achieve a balance between helping myself and depending on others.

My Thoth card for today is the Princess of Swords reversed . . . again. I pulled this same card four days ago, but things have changed a bit for me since then. Four days ago, my reading for myself was “In an upright position, this Princess/Page is known for firmness, aggression and revenge. She can handle practical affairs with cleverness, especially when controversial, and she is good at negotiating settlements. Because this card is reversed, I am sensing that these concepts have become diluted, perhaps diluted to the point where their non-presence is an issue.” Of course, the upright version of the card has not changed, however I have changed since the 16^th; I am less lethargic and more alert. And thus, I will interpret this card as offering me encouragement to use my logic and my intellect, for they will not be childishly destructive today, but rather useful and accurate.

I am sitting on my porch in Cape May, watching the rain and listening to the thunder as I drink my coffee and type in my journal. The air is cool and filled with the heady and exotic fragrance of the creamy white flowers on my privet hedge. I managed to get my walk in before the rain started, which is a good thing, because we are taking some of Bob’s clients out to dinner tonight to a really nice restaurant specializing in New Orleans cuisine, called 410 Bank Street. I am really looking forward to this evening, because I have met the clients before, and they are nice, and I have eaten at this restaurant before, and it is good.

Last night while driving down, I unexpectedly connected with my Younger Self for the first time in a while. She usually appears to me as a young elf child, reed slender, hands clasped behind her back, with a shy smile on her face and a mischievous twinkle in her eye, belying the innocence of her smile. That is when she is in a good mood. Let me say this: when she feels angry or hurt or slighted, she can throw one pretty impressive hissy fit for such a tiny being. But last night she was happy, excited about the weekend, particularly the Litha Sabbat on Sunday, and pleased to be interacting with me. We ended up enjoying the sun, low in the sky, as it lit up the undergrowth beneath the groves of trees along the Parkway as we watched for deer.

I arrived in Cape May just in time to attend last night’s Sacred Mists Litha Sabbat ritual, and I entered the chat room with about two minutes to spare. I was surprised that I was the only Student Council member there, and Lady Raven had not arrived yet, and so I looked on IM and saw Brianna; thankfully she was near her computer and answered me right away. She telephoned Lady (who was just finishing up dealing with a family emergency), updated me, and I prepared everyone for the ritual until Lady arrived. Just in case, I had my own Litha solitary ritual ready, but I did not have to use it.

The thing that made me feel good about how I handled this was that I did not panic, not even once. I had my own ritual ready, and the student who was to lead the pre-ritual meditation was ready to go, so the worst case scenario would have been that the ritual did not match the Sabbat announcement on the Boards. Once the ritual was over and I was out on the porch, sitting with Bob, I realized that I had been well prepared for that event, even if I did not realize it at the time. My training at Sacred Mists had truly taken hold, and if Lady had been further delayed by her emergency, I would have been able to lead the students in a ritual (and I would have been able to tweak my solitary ritual into a group ritual on the fly), and not loose my composure. Last night, I really felt like a Third Degree Dedicant; I really felt like a Student Council Member, not a newbie, but a seasoned and well trained leader.

Thank you, Sacred Mists and thank you, Lady Raven, for creating this place that has allowed me to blossom and to manifest the potential within me.

$