Strength reversed/Death reversed. Two one-word cards, short and sweet. I may have some trouble rising above my emotions today, maybe in part because there is some blockage or stagnation that I cannot seem to unblock. I could very well be looking in the wrong place for a solution to this blockage, for the blockage is not caused by outside influences, and so I should not be looking outside of me for solutions.

My Thoth card is the Queen of Disks. Crowley saw this as representing all that was subtle and serene, skilled yet not relying on the intellect to manifest those skills, loving and affectionate and giving. Despite being hard working and responsible, this card tells of a tendency to rely on outside stimulants in order to feel pleasure, as if it was believed that happiness can only be attained through the use of supports from without.

It is interesting to me how my Tarot throws of the past three days have hinted at a progression that is happening. This progression is so subtle that without the hints of the cards I may not have realized it was happening. I am at a pause here, as if a strong and forward moving hiker has suddenly realized that the path has been lost; in order to find the path again the hiker needs to mill about for a bit. That is what I seem to be doing these past few days: milling about in search of the path.

This is not by any means a descent into depression or disillusionment. It is more as if someone has temporarily stood in front of the light that I was using as guidance, blocking it from my sight. And for the past few days, I have been allowing myself to pause without panic, but maybe the time has come to call out “down in front!”; maybe the time has come to unblock that Strength card and allow Death to happen, in order to hasten the approach of the next part of the cycle, birth. Perhaps at least today, the Queen of Disks is enabling the stagnation, and I need to think of her periodically throughout the day, and remember that happiness always begins within.

$

The Moon/The Wheel of Fortune. Today I need to know that while the next few steps may be shrouded in mists, I cannot move forward if I fear the unknown. There is an underlying purpose to all, even these past few days when I feel as if I have been cast adrift energy-wise, following a few weeks of amazing experiences. I am waiting for the other shoe to fall; the fact that one shoe has clunked down loudly already should be encouraging to me.

My Thoth card for today is the Five of Swords reversed. Whew! Reversed. Crowley calls the upright Five of Swords “Defeat,” as the tenuous balance of the truce of the Four has been destroyed. Reversed, this card validates and offers explanations for the first two cards of today. I need to hang in there and deal with the pause, for soon enough things will get busy once again.

LOL, those cards sound familiar! I began my Shadow Tarot work and threw my first six card spread; both of those cards are in the spread.

It has been a strange week, filled with ups and downs and long pauses. I started my Shadow Work with Mystery, and we are doing some darned good stuff, I must say. The Divination Department meeting went well, and I am excited by the potential for the future. I feel as if I have accomplished some good things this week, and I look forward to a quiet weekend before Labor Day. We should have rain tomorrow, which will allow me to get even more work done.

There are two things that I have on my to-do list left to accomplish: I need to write and I need to start my dream job description list.

$

The Magician reversed/Eight of Pentacles reversed. Interestingly enough, The Magician is the partner to The High Priestess, and while they both focus on knowing and understanding and making use of the effects of the Universe, The Magician in an upright position tells of a concentration on using the outside world; reversed, this card is sending me right back to The High Priestess and her inner focus. I am being told that this inner focus should be about seeking knowledge, but not knowledge for knowledge’s sake; there is a purpose to this striving and an outcome to be gained.

My Thoth card for today is the Six of Disks, which Crowley names “Success.” This card corresponds to Taurus, my rising sign, and tells of reliability and serenity as well as possessiveness and inflexibility. The energies of this Disks card has the usual heaviness and potential for stagnation that Crowley sees in this suit, however they are to a large part counteracted by its number, Six, which is seen by Crowley as a number with Solar influences. Like all successes, the balance of this Disks card is temporary, and I will soon need to go back to work, but for the moment I can enjoy the accomplishments to date, and the resources that have allowed those accomplishments.

Horoscope: “Self-control has never been your strong suit -- but then again, you've never really wanted it to be. You much prefer taking every experience to the absolute nth degree, pushing every envelope just as far as it can possibly be pushed, and seeing just how much fun you can actually stand -- which is usually quite a bit, truth be told. That's going to go double now, so lay in a decent supply of antacids, aspirin and very strong coffee.”

And: “No matter what you do or who you are talking today, Sagittarius, the absolute worst thing that can happen is for you to discuss proprietary information, or breach someone else's trust. This might be the kind of thing that could cause problems for a supervisor or manager at work, and that would be disastrous. Even if it's innocent and you don't mean anything by it, it could affect your reputation in a negative way. There seem to be old issues at work that need to be broken up into manageable pieces. In the meantime, don't let yourself fall into worry right now.”

Also: “You have strong psychic vision, dear Sagittarius. Some people might say that you are prophetic, but in reality your gift is a combination of creativity and intuition. You can use this to benefit others. And, in fact, have often done so. You are known as someone who dispenses good advice. But today, be sure to do so with some restraint. People are listening closely to what you have to say. If you advise someone to jump off a bridge, they just might do it!”

I did another Fire Bird meditation last night. I found the entry to the meadow, and stepped into my little spot. This time it was late afternoon; I could not see the sun itself but the sky to the West was turning pink and the sky to the East was showing the beginning of the Belt of Venus. Before I could sit or lay down, the Fire Bird was circling above me; I held out my arm and she landed. With a smile, I gently petted her chest, and then after she lowered her head and raised her feathers, I scratched the back of her neck for a while. Then she straightened, and off we went on our zig-zagging walk. We ended up once again at the same place, or I should say I ended up there. This time, I walked down to the water’s edge and made myself comfortable. I grounded myself and then opened all my senses, listening and watching on both the physical and non-physical planes, and waiting patiently for something to happen. Nothing. All was quiet, the very tiny lapping waves were barely making a sound at all.

Finally, I sighed and stood up and turned to walk back to the grass. To my surprise, each of my footsteps in the sand were filled with grasses! The footsteps closest to where I stood contained the beginnings of the grass, but the footsteps back by the wall of golden grass contained plants that were already knee high. The grass was following me?

Or was it that my presence was acting as a catalyst. I read a short story once that told of a group of people who founded an outpost on the planet Mars. Their presence and the minute chemical changes that were caused by their presence started life. All over the area, new plants began to grow, plants that were at first very alien in their makeup. However, as they continued to impose their human and earthly chemicals onto the area, the plants began changing and becoming more useful to them. Was that what was happening here? Was it my presence that made that grass grow?

I will try again.

Mystery and I started our Shadow Work last night, even though I don’t have my Legacy Tarot yet. The initial spread hints at some pretty powerful stuff. I did some brief work with the first spread last night but I plan on looking at each of the cards with more depth tonight. Then maybe I will post their info here. LOL, looks like tomorrow’s post is going to be another long one.

Tonight the Divination Department is having a brief meeting to go over everyone’s responsibilities. We are growing so fast! I am proud of what the Divination Department has become; this is an intricate organization, and it works in large part because everyone who is associated with the Department in any way works hard and cares.

$

Six of Cups reversed/The High Priestess. Okay, this Six is turning up quite a bit of late. And The High Priestess!! Funny that she shows up right now. The Six of Cups not only refers to a balanced and serene joy, but it also tells us that a major part of that joy is made up of whatever it was that got me to this place and this time. I seem to be forgetting to value my experiences, for the gifts of the present and the possibilities of the future are all alive because of what I remember. And I don’t necessarily need to understand why this is so; sometimes we need to have a drop or two of the unknown added to the mix in order to be able to view and understand each facet separately, yet balance the entire concept. I am also being told that the voice of my Shadow is important today.

My Thoth card for today is the Seven of Swords reversed. In an upright position this card represents “Futility,” and the passive nature of the Moon. Unlike the Four of Swords, where the pause is chosen in order to benefit from the effect, the Seven of Swords seems to feel like it is nearly out of gas and is wondering whether the efforts involved in obtaining a refill will be worth it. Thankfully, the card is reversed; I may find that I feel as if I am walking against the tide today, but the destination will be worth the effort to get there.

My horoscopes: “Information received through modern communication systems such as faxes, email, or the Internet might make it possible for you to change your job, your residence, or at least the way you think or operate, Nancy. You might be feeling a bit nervous and jumpy at the prospect, but you'll pull it off all right. Don't be afraid to go with the flow and make changes today. This is only one hurdle in the course of your personal development.”

And: “More than likely, you will be caught up in a wildly intense emotional drama if you aren't careful, dear Sagittarius. Try to stay calm and collected. Find a quiet place where you can relax and be alone. Your energy is there, but it may be a bit more reserved and subtle on a day like this. Be the stable oasis in the raging sea. Make peace with the people around you.”

And my favorite one today: “Things are only seeming tougher than normal at work because you feel like you are stuck in place, and the powers that be aren't listening. You will break out of this current rut soon enough, but that can't be fast enough for you. Recent turns of events may have left you feeling a little rough, but in some way, they will be responsible for the fulfillment of a wish that you've had for some time.”

Okay, I think I will ground often today.

My second Fire Bird meditation was somewhat similar to my first. I had no trouble finding the entry into the meadow, and I ended up back in that one spot where I had flattened down the grass in order to see. This time, it was not noon, but rather early in the morning, and quiet. The nighttime crickets had gone to bed and the daytime insects were just waking up. I lay on my back in the grass, watching as the tips of the strands of grass were kissed by the rays of the sun still low in the sky, but I was still immersed in the shadowy twilight at the base of the grasses.

And there she was, circling high overhead. I lay there, watching as the Fire Bird circled lower and lower, and suddenly she cocked her wings and dove downward, landing by my right side. She stood still for a bit, and we looked into each other’s eyes. Then, I looked at her plumage; her yellow-orange feathers were actually tipped in an iridescent red; how lovely. I reached out and gently ran my fingers down her breast, and when she did not nip at me, I petted her soft feathers with more confidence. I remembered how my macaw used to love having the back of his neck scratched, so I slowly moved my fingers upward. To my delight, as I gently scratched her neck, she lowered her head and raised up her feathers to allow me easy access. Her eyes blinked slowly for several minutes as she enjoyed herself, but then she backed a way, and nudged me, encouraging me to get up.

Like last time, the Fire Bird began leading me through the tall grasses, the tops of which were wet with dew. Once again, I broke out of the grasses just as I ran out of strength, and ended up in the same place as last time: the quiet, rocky beach with the still, mirror-like water, lavender sky and two moons. Again, I was alone. I waited, looking around, but no one appeared. I looked down, and saw no footprints on the sand at all, not mine, not any animal’s. No birds, no breeze, no big waves, very little sound or movement; but I could smell the ocean. And this time there was a sense of waiting patiently for something.

The meditation faded; I am certain that sooner or later I will find out what I am waiting for.

I am crossing my fingers that my new Legacy Tarot deck is in; if it is, I will be doing my first Shadow Work spread tonight. I realized something interesting while putting together some preparatory work for Mystery and I: while sending Mystery the Shadow keywords for our significators (The Magician for M and The Empress for me), I also looked at the Shadow keywords for The High Priestess, because M sees me as that card. Well, blow me down, I do seem to be more like The H.P. right now than The Empress.

Here is what I found on all three cards:

The Magician: Lack of Focus v. Focus. Not applying your energy and efforts in the right direction; being scattered; lacking focus or not focusing on the real issue; starting many projects and not being able to finish them. Shadow gifts: being able to prioritize; being able to choose; taking action on your own behalf rather than just wishing for change; creating order out of chaos; being aware of your inner guide; seeing your own potential; being able to make your own reality.

The Empress: Smothering v. Mothering. Being a controlling woman; focusing so much on others that self-nurturing is neglected; smothering others with a “love” that stifles individuality; emotional neediness; brooding; holding on to destructive situations; destroying rather than creating; being emotionally barren. Shadow gifts: the creator within; fertility of mind, body and spirit; creating rather than destroying; nurturing rather than controlling; getting in touch with sensuality; allowing everyone their own truths.

The High Priestess: Superficiality v. Intuition. Being too literal or intellectual; not looking below the surface; not trusting intuition; being too caught up in intuitive world; being unwilling or afraid to explore the subconscious; being unable to acknowledge the masculine/feminine aspect of the personality. Shadow gifts: having complete faith in your intuition; being able to make logical decisions based on intuition; balancing the intellect and intuition; exploring the unconscious, connecting with the anima.

I also asked my Patroness Danu about this card (The H.P.) that seems to be presenting itself to me. I guess I got a dressing down; here are Her words:

“My dearest Daughter, why are you having such difficulty with this concept? You yourself can feel evidence of the changes that have happened to you, changes that are in part due to the reactions you are choosing as responses to the challenges that I present to you, and in part due to years of very hard work and study. You are walking the walk and talking the talk, my Daughter. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is most certainly a duck. *smile* I do so love the picturesque metaphors of your language!

Are you reluctant to assume the responsibilities of this card because you feel presumptuous? Yes, my Daughter, I know that there are many who claim to be justified in having The High Priestess bestowed as a significator, but do you doubt that you have worked long and hard to get to the place you are at today? Do you doubt that you are at the stage within your Craft that this card should be your rightful focus?

Are you reluctant to assume the responsibilities of this card because you believe that this choice to accept will take something from you? You are still My student, Dear One, no matter what level of achievement you receive or attain in this life that I have given to you. Don’t feel that you will loose any opportunities to be My student, or to continue to receive from Me challenges and opportunities for growth, for none of them will be left behind if you choose to step into this card and begin the process of becoming The High Priestess.

Daughter, the longer you try to move against the tide the longer it will take until you can get down to work. Trust in Me and accept what is offered.”

When I tried to ask The General (one of my guides) what he thought, he just laughed and laughed. He enjoyed my discomfort over this whole H.P. thing, and I would not be a bit surprised if he knew from way back during our first meeting, when he laughed at me derisively because I said that I aspired to be the H.P., that I would reach this point and have to deal with this reluctance of mine to appear that I am choosing to present myself as the “grand poobah fluffy bunny High Priestess” who is all name and no substance.

LOL, I went back and re-read what I posted regarding my Tarot throw for today. Okay, then. I will work with The High Priestess, and I will trust in Danu and believe that I am supposed to be working with the energies of this card right now. I will open myself to becoming The High Priestess, but in doing so I will not leave behind what I have been taught by The Empress.

$

Ten of Swords/Page of Cups. Today, it may seem to me that my brain has given up and shut down, or a crisis (or several crises) may appear that will leave me without apparent answers or solutions. But that Page of Cups, standing on the steady rock while surrounded by the spray of waves breaking around him as he steadily holds his cup, brings me a message that carries all the good emotions that will counteract the dry heat of too much intellect that is blinded to the answers. I am being told that no matter how dark it gets before the dawn, I need to remember that soon enough, light will return. I will be able to sense the returning light not by watching for it, but by feeling for it.

My Thoth card for today is . . . drum roll . . . a Cups card!! The Ace of Cups, which in many ways corresponds with that Page of Cups from the Welsh Tarot, tells of the power of the Holy Grail and the sustenance of pure, unconditional love. All I need is love.

My horoscopes: “Your freedom is more important to you than anything else in your life. It is often very difficult for you to get involved, whether personally or professionally. Nevertheless, dear Sagittarius, today you may have to think about it. Could it be that your thirst for freedom is just an escape? You may feel it necessary to think about this question. Who knows? You may just decide to take the leap!”

And: “You may feel as if your battery has run out of juice today, Nancy. You may be asking yourself if what you are doing is really worth it. Don't despair. A car will be along soon that can help give you a jump. Once you get your engine started again, there will be no stopping you. Don't be afraid to go out in the middle of the road and flag someone down. No one will know that you need help unless you ask for it.”

Another day of attempting to be adaptable and positive despite whatever minor plan changes happen. Things may not go as planned today, at least according to my cards and my horoscopes, but I sense that if I keep in contact with the energy within me that I have strengthened and purified of late, I will end up with a smile on my face.

I did my first meditation with the Fire Bird last night. I have been told that the Fire Bird is a part of an old Slavic myth, and given tidbits of information and some names and pictures by a student of Sacred Mists, Maeve, and instructed to find the Fire Bird. I did look at a few of the pictures, but decided to wait until my first attempt before looking at them all. Here is what happened in my meditation.

I began by bringing myself to darkness, to no sensations at all, and then began to wait and watch. Soon enough, there below me, was a light. I moved towards the light, and found an opening in the dark, as if I was looking at a black wall and someone had broken a hole into the wall, a hole with rough edges and a little over a yard in diameter. Through that hole I could see golden light, light that hurt my eyes because it was so bright after the sensory deprivation of the darkness.

But I did not let that discomfort stop me; I crawled right through that hole, into the warm and bright light. LOL, looking back on it now, it was almost like being born, going from the quiet darkness into the much brighter sensory overload of another world. Once through, I stood up and looked around.

I was standing in what seemed to be an endless field of tall grass. Each stalk of grass was over waist high, topped with a small tassel of seeds, and was that golden yellow-brown of late summer. The sky was the bright blue-white of an August noon, but I could not see the sun anywhere, just feel and see its intense light. I could hear crickets everywhere, chirping and humming a steady, diligent chorus. Every so often there were patches of small light purple flowers, five or six star-like blooms growing on stalks that were the same height as the grass, so the flowers seemed to be floating amid the sea of gold that was this meadow.

Okay, not the place that I would have expected to contact the Fire Bird, but I won’t let that stop me. I flattened a circle around me so that I could see, and began to visualize the picture of Vasilissa and proceeded to introduce myself to her and tell her that Maeve sent me to her with the hope that she would help me to meet the Fire Bird. To my joy, she immediately smiled sweetly and then turned and pointed.

Up in the bright sky I saw a speck that tuned out to be a bird, soaring on the updrafts. The bird had the broad wings with finger-like primaries at the tips, like my totem animal, turkey vulture, but her tail was longer, more like the blue and gold macaw that I lived with for over a decade. She circled, a dark shape against the bright sky, eve lower, until she landed at my feet.

She was smaller than I expected, larger than a bald eagle, but not beyond the realm of possibility as far as existing in the physical realms. She was an orangy red color, more orange than red, with a touch of brown. Her eyes were red, with a black pupil that dilated as she examined me carefully for long moments. Then, she looked around and then moved toward the edge of the area that I had flattened, and she bit off two long strands of the golden grass. She then moved toward me. I crouched down so that I was at eye level with her, unsure of what was expected of me. She stopped when she got close to me, and looked at me expectantly, so I put out my right hand; she promptly dropped the two strands of grass into my palm, and then suddenly crouched and then sprang upward with a flap of wings.

She moved a bit away, and then turned and hovered, again watching me expectantly. Okay, I was game; I began to move toward her, pushing through the surprisingly tough grasses. She let out one loud, strident call and then flew further and a little to the right, and then hovered until I caught up with her, when she moved on once more. We zig-zagged forward, and I became hotter and more sweaty and more tired. Just as I was ready to give up and sink down into the grass, I broke through, stumbling forward.

I ended up in a place that I had been to before during a meditation, many years ago, when I first connected with turkey vulture and used to fly with him. I was on a beach that stretched out forever, with cliffs behind me. There were rough pillars of rock here and there in the almost glass-like still waters before me. All was quiet and nearly motionless, no wind, only the tiniest of lapping waves, and nothing else alive appeared at all. What made the scene so alien and strange was that the sky was a lilac color, dark along the horizon and lighter at the zenith, and there were two moons, one a little lower and a little smaller than the other, riding low in the sky. I stood there, looking around, waiting to see what was going to happen, but all was quiet and empty. The Fire Bird had disappeared. Just as I realized that I was still clutching those two strands of grass, the meditation faded.

One surprising thing and food for thought today: the blue bird that Uriel had placed into my mind was not surprised to see the Fire Bird.

$

King of Wands/Judgment. Today’s focus will not be on thinking up the ideas or planning how to implement them. Rather, today will be a day of making reality match those ideas, of crossing the bridge from visualizations to actual manifestation in the physical realm. However, I must be at least somewhat cautious, for despite the fact that my plan feels sooooo right, others may have different views or ideas of their own, equally valid and important. This should not be a clearing of all else in order to build my vision, but rather it should be creation without destruction. I should not be discarding the negative, but rather integrating the negative into the rest of me, in order to create something new. And once again, I am being told that at least to some extent, the changes that are beginning are under my control.

My Thoth card for the day is the Six of Cups. LOL, back to the suit of Cups. My Thoth deck certainly likes this suit lately. Crowley calls the Six of Cups “Pleasure,” and while most of Crowley’s thoughts regarding pleasure tend to be warnings of the potential for excess, this card tells of balanced and harmonized energy. This Six corresponds with the sign of Scorpio (which plays a big part in my astrological self, as I am Sag just after the transformation from Scorpio, and my Moon sign is Scorpio), which is strange because Scorpio is strong in an earthy (LOL, read “stubborn”) way, but this card seems to be so placid.

My horoscopes for today: “You may feel as if you are out of your league today. The good news is that, thanks to your flexible and adaptable nature, any league can always become yours after you take those magical steps to work the crowd and convince them that you mean the best. Have patience and understanding as you learn a new set of rules and a new group of people with their own unique habits and behaviors.”

And: “Sometimes life just isn't fair, but that shouldn't stop you from trying to see justice done today. It's not silly to believe in fairness, it's admirable. Hang on to your idealism with all your might -- it will help you adjust to any unexpected situation, be more self-sufficient, and keep you safe from people who don't like to play by the rules. Everything cannot be completely equitable in every situation, but you can work to make it as close as possible.”

And: “Today could signal decisions about the changing or redirection of your career, Sagittarius. It has been on your mind for a while, and now you are tired of thinking and ready for action. You may realize that some of the recent relationship trouble is partially your fault, and, if you are single, today is good for making decisions about relationships. Your choice will probably be along the lines of making way for someone who is more aligned with your goals and values.”

And finally: “You have been working exceptionally hard lately, dear Sagittarius. Today would be a good day for you to recharge your batteries. It seems everyone wants a piece of you, and it could be that you have reached the point where you have nothing left to give. It's OK for you to say as much. If you can, take the phone off the hook and reserve the day for yourself. Take time to sleep in, to meditate, to go for a walk. You get the idea!”

It is a hot and steamy day in Cape May. Last night I sat on the porch until after 1 am, listening to the waves and smelling the fragrance of the ocean on the humid air. The stars were visible directly above, but I could see lightning flashes inland, and out to sea as the hurricane continued its path northward. The night was so full of the essences of Nature that I could hardly drag myself away. And when I got up to go to the bathroom at about 4:30, I smiled as I smelled the ocean’s fragrance, which had permeated the entire house.

I am sitting now in the kitchen, looking out at the back yard. Thanks to the bounty of rain and hot Summer sun, my garden is incredibly beautiful. The blossoms on the crepe myrtles are huge, and they are weighing down the branches. The honeysuckle is sending out long shoots with gorgeous pink blossoms on the end, and the similar shoots of the trumpet vine are weighed down by the huge waxy blooms. Hydrangeas are happy, and the morning glory in the front of the house is up into the wisteria, presenting each morning a waterfall of lavender. The hyacinth bean vine is aiming for the overhead wires; thank goodness it’s an annual, otherwise soon everyone on the street would need a machete to get into their houses. The bounty of nature is all around me, but I have not forgotten that the Sun Father has passed his prime and is heading towards old age and the transformation that happens at Samhain. I am taking many moments throughout each day to take mental snapshots, harvesting, if you will, special moments so that when the dark and cold of Winter is upon me, I can remember the glories of this Summer.

$

The Wheel of Fortune reversed/Four of Swords. In an upright position, the Wheel tells of the cyclical effects of energies beyond our control, but since it is reversed, I am being told that I *can* control at least to some extent the outcome of today’s events, and I can completely control my own reaction to those portions that are brought to me in the hands of others. The good thing is that I am in the eye of the hurricane today, so I will be able to examine where things have been and where they are going in a relatively quiet period. When the battle resumes, I will be ready.

My Thoth card is the Eight of Swords reversed. Oy, Swords are back, with a vengeance. Crowley calls this card “Interference,” and that goes both ways, either indicating active interference, or indicating a shutting out of all interference. Crowley also describes this card as possibly affecting us because we allow it to; Jupiter is friendly and optimistic, and Gemini is adaptable and youthful, but sometimes we can’t be all “happy – joy” about life and about our choices. I need to be aware that today I might have a blind spot regarding the effects of interference.

My horoscopes seem to agree: “Finding the answer you seek could be much easier when you take a position that is more adamant about where you stand now and where you want to be later on, Nancy. If you continue to be uncertain and relaxed about which way to proceed, others are apt to take advantage of you and step all over you on their way. You have the strength and power of an active imagination to fuel your desires. It is time to put these into effect.”

And: “For the best results, keep to a steady pace today. If you have more free time in the afternoon than you have in the morning, don't put off all your errands until tonight. Instead, scatter them throughout your day. And if your morning schedule is wide open, you should avoid rushing ahead on things that need to be taken slowly. All the details need to be covered before you can go full steam ahead. Timing is important today, so don't let either impatience or procrastination guide you.”

Oy. Money issues again. I had a minor short circuit of anger and frustration last night, but after sleeping on the concept, I have woken this morning with new resolve. I will tighten my belt as necessary, and I will survive these bad economic times by becoming “lean and mean.” I will survive!

I have been sensing Archangel Uriel lurking (no offense meant, but that is what it seems like) on and off through my days. Many times during the day, I allow myself to lightly touch the background energies around me and my core worth anchor within me, and each time I do so, I get a flash of me as if I were looking down at me from above, and I sense that I am seeing myself through His eyes. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

$

The Universe reversed/Seven of Wands reversed. Once again I am being reminded that although I have experienced amazing progress over the past week or two, the journey is not yet complete. There is not yet rest for the weary, and I still have some tasks to complete in order for the process of integration of the two halves to be successfully finished. Perhaps the reason that things have not concluded is that I am unnecessarily shielding myself. I need to remember that I can stay on the moral high ground and remain in touch with my inner strength without shutting out the rest of the world in the process.

My Thoth card is the Queen of Swords. The “eyes wide open” lady. This Queen sees all, understands all, and deals with all, and makes the process appear graceful and easily accomplished. She dances through the day, solving problems as she goes. Oh-kay!!

Exciting horoscope: “One of the best traits anyone can possibly possess, especially in times like these, is adaptability. You have that quality down pat, and it's certainly going to come in handy. The last thing in the world you were ever expecting is exactly what you can expect right now. Fortunately, you're always open to new and exhilarating experiences, so you won't mind at all -- but you may be called on to help a friend who isn't quite so flexible.”

And another one that focuses on adaptability: “People may be somewhat selfish and self-centered today, but this doesn't mean that you need to be too, dear Sagittarius. Remind others of the importance of the collective, and that we all need to pitch in and do our part to be happy. You have the ability to offer a great deal of balance to the situation, and you should definitely put this to the test. Do what you can to make the scales tip back to center.”

Sounds like “I’m da man” today. *grin*

The Pagan Brain Trust had its third meeting last night. That could very well be the reason why I am feeling so confident and validated today. It amazes me that we have only met three times, for it seems as if I have known these people for ever. Next month we will be focusing on the Tarot. *drips joyful sarcasm* Oh, I don’t think I can do that. LOL

Jen and I have agreed to be “writing buddies.” I need a boot in the butt every so often, and I will be getting one. I will also be sharing with her my work so far on Elf’s Bane. The coolest thing is that I know that she will be honest with me about it, and before I put any more effort into the project, I need to know if I should be doing so. In return, Jen has shared some of her older writings; I plan on reading them at lunchtime.

This morning, as I was sitting in my car, doing my usual chakra balancing and shield recharging, I once again focused on attempting to bring my awareness out of my physical body, through my etheric body and into my mental/emotional body. I really feel that I was able to accomplish this today, and not only did I get to the point where my awareness was into my aura and my physical body felt empty, but I was able to hold the position despite the appearance of Archangel Uriel. He hovered over the car, watching as I held my awareness within my mental/emotional body, and then as I completed my meditation, He vanished without a word. Checking up on me? Glad I was doing what I am supposed to be doing!

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The Empress reversed/Ace of Cups. Emotions, feelings and the subconscious are important today, but that does not mean that I can allow my Watery side to have free reign to jump in over my head and wallow in the effects of all my senses. I can take a moment, here and there, to enjoy sensations of all kinds (and the Watery focus of all three of my cards today tells me that there will be plenty of opportunities for this), but I need to keep at least one toe on the ground.

My Thoth card is the Ten of Cups . . . again. “Satiety”; perhaps I am being warned that there is a potential for luxury to progress to stagnation. Now is not the time to rest on my laurels, apparently. There is nothing wrong with thinking about the pleasures of my senses, but since I also have the Ace of Cups today, I need to know that I have already begun to make the transition from the completion of the Ten to the new beginning at the next level of the Ace.

I understand these cards perfectly. The past few days have offered amazing experiences, but I am being told by that reversed Empress, the card that is my personal significator, to not be my usual self (who would very easily get carried away with reliving the amazing experiences) and rather, while it is okay to think about them and relive them every now and then, I need to be aware of the needs of others. Okay, I can do that, but first I need to journal about last night.

Last night, while driving home from dance class, Archangel Uriel came to me. He was above my car as I drove South on Route 23 while watching the most amazing display of lightning, and I could hear and feel His wings as He moved along with me at 60 miles an hour. At first He said nothing, so I allowed my awareness to move out of my physical body and into my mental/emotional body. In an instant, I was seeing my car from Uriel’s viewpoint! How cool is that! Astral projection at 60 miles per hour; what a lovely gift. I could feel Uriel’s arms holding me with Him so that I could concentrate on looking down at my car without having to also focus on keeping myself moving forward; after I got over my surprise, I really enjoyed the experience. I was able to keep that part of my awareness that was needed for driving focused on the physical world and at the same time, I was able to enjoy the sight of my car from above as it moved along the road.

I performed my personal Dark Moon Esbat when I got home last night. In preparation for my upcoming Shadow Work with Mystery, I replaced the part of my Dark Moon Esbat that is normally devoted to divination with a meditation which allowed me to visit the sanctuary dedicated to Kali where I normally go to talk to Her.

I slid into the tall and narrow, nearly invisible opening in the cliff face that was the access to Her hidden cave, and wound my way through the S-shaped entryway. I stepped into the huge chamber and breathed in the cool and dry air that was a relief from the heat and sun of the outside world. There before me, mostly hidden by the shadows, was the huge stone statue of Kali, a deep bass relief chiseled into the living wall of the cave. Her large faceted ruby eyes glistened in the light of the fire that was burning in the gaping firepit at Her feet. I moved forward, stepping up to the firepit, and I placed three good sized logs onto the fire, which immediately flared up and began to crackle.

I greeted Kali out loud, and then bowed my head; I whispered softly as I described my intentions to Her, and asked for her help, both on my behalf and on Mystery’s behaf, and then I looked back up at Her face. She stared, as always, into the dark shadows at the roof of the cave.

I bowed again and took a few steps backward as I prepared to leave, and suddenly I heard a rustle of cloth and the pad of footsteps coming from the shadows to the left of Kali’s statue. Out of those dark shadows appeared a Tibetan monk carrying a bowl filled with incense. Ignoring me, the monk moved forward until he was at the base of the statue. He placed the incense bowl between Kali’s feet, turned to light a long piece of reed in the firepit, and then turned back to face Her and lit the incense in the bowl. The monk whispered softly, chanting words that I could not make out or understand, and then he bent and kissed each of Kali’s feet.

To my surprise, She looked down at him! The monk and the Goddess stared into each other’s eyes for several moments, and then the monk bowed reverently. When I looked back at Kali, She was once again staring into the distance. The monk straightened, and for the first time acknowledged my presence with a quick, furtive glance, and then left the way he came in.

I stood there for a few moments, hearing only the crackle of the fire. I then moved cautiously forward to Kali’s feet, and looked up at Her. What offering could I give that would please Her? I had no incense, no amber, no rubies to please her. Then, I had an idea. I opened my heart chakra and allowed the energy to accumulate and spin; once the energy was clean and clear and balanced, I gathered it into a ball of forest green light. I reverently placed the ball of energy at Kali’s feet, next to the bowl of incense, and then I bent and kissed each of her smallest toes. When I looked back up at Her face, I looked right into those blood red ruby eyes! Her glance and the power within her gaze are incredible, and very different from what I have experienced during those few times that I have been able to look for just a moment into Archangel Uriel’s glowing eyes.

Her eyes are deep! I felt a part of myself drawn into those eyes, and I sensed not only power, very old and confident power, but I also sensed for the first time in my life the concept of Eternity. The archetypal energy that is Kali and that is all Dark Goddesses is old, older than mankind surely, but older than most other parts of the Universe. The Dark Goddess has seen everything and experienced everything, for She was there at the beginning of All. The worries and graspings of all of humanity are insignificant moments to She who has already been the Maiden and the Mother, never mind the worries of one individual, and yet She saw me. She acknowledged me. No words were said and no promises were made, but Kali knows that I exist. She knows that I am choosing to learn about an uncomfortable segment of who I really am, and She knows that I am taking this action at least partially in Her honor and in honor of the knowledge and wisdom that She has already gifted to me.

I think that I have made a promise here, a promise to make this Shadow Work the best it can be. I wonder if this is what Uriel was preparing me for, all along.

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The Universe reversed/Eight of Cups. While I may find that I am finally strong enough, skilled enough and aware enough to walk away from the things that cause me hurt and pain, I have not yet reached that final moment of balance and union between the conscious and the unconscious. However, like a carrot at the end of a stick, the goal is there, in the distance.

My Thoth card for today is the Ace of Wands. LOL, are we done with Cups now? I have had Cups cards for the past three days. This Ace represents the purest essence of Fire, energy that has not yet found fuel or been given a purpose. New beginnings of the exciting and creative kind may appear to me today.

My dear friend Mystery and I have decided to do shadow work according to my Tarot Shadow Work book; we are going to both use the Legacy Tarot for this work (yay!!! my deck will be in next week!!!). I am looking forward to working with her, and with Marchetti’s newest masterpiece.

I did a long distance Reiki treatment for someone from MysticWicks last night. According to her response to my email, everything happened for a purpose. She even explained that she lost her father and is still grieving, which is why my Guide put his hands over mine while I was applying Reiki to her heart chakra. This is the second time that my Guide has done this for someone who was grieving.

Family vacation is officially over, and I am slowly getting things caught up. We had the most incredible week!! We had only one day that was a washout with several showers during the night, so I did not need to water my garden. The air was hot, hot, hot! The water was marvelous, about 74 degrees and calm enought to enable lots of time just standing or floating and enjoying the waves. I swam at 6 or 7 in the evening, which is a rarity for me because the air usually cools off a bit by then, but all week long it was still 85 degrees or higher at that time. We had wonderful dinners, great early morning walks, and my brother-in-law and I did our usual hike to Davey's Lake.

And I did not neglect my energy work. I had the luxury of an hour and a half alone on the beach one evening, with a blue sky, calm ocean and some nice music on my iPod. As I sat at the water’s edge and watched people walk by, I noticed that once again I could see the mental/emotional layer of many of their auras. A few auras were very easy to see! This is truly amazing to me, and I never expected to make this progress.

I also had one totally incredible moment of intense and clear awarenes of the workings of the Machinery of the Universe and that joyful sense that all is as it should be. This is only the third time in almost seven years that I have been able to make this connection, and mere words cannot describe the painful ecstasy that filled me for long moments. Yes, painful; painful in its intensity. We humans are not meant to experience that clear and intense awareness for long periods of time; we would surely end up with all circuits fried. I was actually moved to tears, and I was grateful that I was alone in the kitchen at the time. I am pleased that I was allowed a few moments of connection to the Machinery of the Universe, for those moments reassured me that I do have a place in it all, and it reassured me that my Patroness, Danu, is by my side.
Danu reassured me with love as I assimilated that joyous experience, and called me "Daughter," rather than "Child," which is how She has always addressed me in the past. It appears I have made more progress than I thought.

I thought about the events of the past days and realized that part of the reason why I may be experiencing progress in my energy work efforts could be because I am focusing on my own aura and trying to be connected to my own energy field at least at a low-grade level for as much of my waking time as possible. I have been performing the consecration cleansing every morning after opening and balancing and cleaning my chakras, and I am tightening my perineum muscles and allowing myself to fill with energy, all the way out to the edge of my mental/emotional body, before ending the meditation. I have been trying to project my awareness out of my physical body and I have been trying to maintain that awareness outside of my physical body for as long as possible. These exercises are manifesting results. Progress is a wonderful thing!

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Ace of Wands/The Hanged Man reversed. What great cards for the starting day of a vacation! Things have the potential to move quickly today, and there is a potential for increased excitement, health and vitality. The only thing I need to remember is that Fire energy can be unpredictable, so I had better keep a bucket of water handy. But today, being laid back won’t get anything done.

My Thoth card is the Princess of Disks reversed. In the upright position, Crowley sees this card as representing the presence of the purest of feminine energies. She is Earth of Earth, and that means that anything she touches will be influenced by the purest of Earthy energies, whether Air, Fire or Water is its makeup. Since the card is reversed, I am being told that the application of pure Earth energies is not what I need today; there just might be too much of it already.

Family vacation starts this evening, and I am looking forward to a week with my awesome in-laws in Cape May. I will be back up for a couple of days during the week, and then back down for another long weekend.

From “Alchemy For Dummies”:

The Three Marriages in Alchemy

Some alchemists claim that three conjunctions in alchemy correspond to the Three Magisteriums or accomplisments of the Great Work. The first marriage in the work of transformation is the Lunar Marriage or unito mentalis, Latin for “union in the mind.” This marriage occurs when the soul separates itself from the body or when the alchemist becomes conscious of these as two separate entities. This occurs when the soul and the spirit unite and become separated from the body. It is like a voluntary rejection or death of the body in relation to the united soul and spirit.

The second or Solar Marriage occurs when the united soul and spirit (the unio mentalis) unites with the body, which has now been completely purified by the spiritual or solar energies. The third and final union is the Stellar Marriage in which the body-soul-spirit unites with the unus mudus (the One World).

Cool, huh?!

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The Wheel of Fortune reversed/Three of Cups reversed. Today I am being told that I have the opportunity to have an impact on whatever Fate has in store for me. This may enable me to lessen the sudden impact of any events coming my way, however, this will be a solitary endeavor, as the energies of the day will not encourage my connection to the group. Plus, do I really want to meddle with Fate?

My Thoth card is the Nine of Disks reversed. The Nine of Disks represents “Gain” and it tells of an unemotional tallying of the fruits of ones labors, and of an awareness that ones position is more solid because of those labors. However, the card is reversed, so today will not be about the perception of a solid foundation or of having done ones homework and thus, being ready for anything.

I am finding it easier and easier to tap into this new awareness. I have come to realize that finding these kinds of things is a daunting task, mainly because there really is no way for someone else to explain exactly what these types of things are, how they feel, and how to access them. We each need to stumble around in the dark at first, until we find the doorway for the first time, and we need to “leave a light on” so that we can find our way back again. I see now that everything that Archangel Uriel has presented to me, from way back to the first time he appeared through all the distressing meditations and through the transformations caused by the incredible energy jolts (kind of like Reiki attunements!) that Uriel passed to me, has been preparing me for this moment.

Logically, what I am doing is rebuilding the bridge to my right brain, the seat of all that is intuitive, subjective and holistic, that was destroyed as a side effect of the civilizing process that humans have undergone. I am beginning to relearn how to experience the world beyond the physical, and progress is very exciting!! Even though it is very difficult for me to describe the marvelous things that are happening and the incredible skills that I am acquiring, this journal does act as not only a record of my experiences, but a bookmark of sorts, for as I struggle to find the words to describe these effects, I am placing a metaphysical orange traffic cone exactly where they happen, so that I can jump right to them next time.

This morning, after performing my usual shield strengthening, chakra cleansing/balancing and consecration meditation, I took a moment to look at a tree, and then attempted to switch on this new awareness. Easy-peasy, there it was. I don’t know exactly in detail what I am sensing yet, or how I can use what I am sensing, but that will come, I am certain. I also was able to see the egg shaped mental/emotional aura around someone! The light was perfect and the background was the right color, and I did not see any colors in the aura, just the shape. But this is a first for me.

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Knight of Swords reversed/Page of Wands. The Knight of Swords is a confident person who will use any means necessary to accomplish his goal, without allowing compassion or pity to cloud his judgment. I am being told today that I should *not* be this Knight, nor should I allow his influences, should they appear within my day, to have an effect on me. Instead, I should allow myself to be filled with a passion for life, for living, and for the experiences brought to me through the day, even if (or maybe because) I do not understand them.

My Thoth card is the Four of Cups. Crowley calls this card “Luxury” and sees its energies as the Lord of Pleasure. Allowing an indulgence in pleasure is all well and good, as long as I remember the tendency of being sated to morph into stagnation.

My horoscope: “‘Expect the unexpected’ is your current mantra, and a very wise one at that. Some conflicting celestial energies cause a hoo-hah that needs your wise and discerning eye. These energies aren't all just sturm und drang, however -- they're also bringing about some pretty significant (and welcome) life changes. Get your financial ducks in a row before the shakedown begins, and you'll be sitting pretty.” And: “You should find that you have an extra amount of creative energy at this time, dear Sagittarius, and you should do what you can to make this force work for you. There is a time and space for everything, and now is the time to work together with your higher self to channel some of the artist within you. Don't let your self-doubt keep you from using the creative force that is brewing inside you.”

This is the second day in a row that one of my horoscopes has mentioned the potential of a reward for the hard work and the tightening of belts that has been the rule of the day of late. Maybe things are finally starting to turn around for us. *crosses fingers

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I felt a little off when I woke up yesterday morning, not sick or tired or anything like that, but just different in some way. Nothing unusual besides that strange feeling occurred at first, but I found that during the day I would occasionally notice a similar effect to the other day, when I stepped outside at lunch and for a moment felt like there was another layer of awareness or perception over what I was seeing with my physical eyes. This time, however, the effect that I experienced was not overlaid onto all that I was seeing; rather, it was being selectively applied to specific items/entities within my field of vision. Also, this time the effect did not cease once I noticed it, and instead seemed to strengthen and solidify with my awareness. For instance, at lunch, while I was walking down the stairs I noticed this effect had appeared over the sight of two girls who were walking down the stairs before me. I focused on the effect and locked into it, and realized that I could see their auras, stretching more than a foot from their bodies, and I was able to maintain my connection to their auras as we continued down the flights of stairs.

The most dramatic experiences were while I was driving to my dance class last night. I noticed several instances where objects that I see all the time appeared suddenly different in some way, different enough to catch my eye and put me on alert although my eyes could find no obvious differences. The setting sun was riveting, and every time I looked at it as I drove to Butler, I tried to figure out what was different from any other sunset that I had watched, without success. It reached the point where it seemed that I was feeling the rays of the sun and the solar wind pressing against my chest, with the same kind of warm pressure that I experienced when Uriel touched me. I passed a grove of trees that created a dark patch of shade, and suddenly that particular patch of darkness beneath that particular grove of trees seemed to pop out, and I could not help but remember the time that Cernunnos told me that He was in the shadows beneath the trees. I passed a stream that glistened silver in the ambient light, shaded in part by overhanging branches; that silver light reflecting on the dappled surface of the stream popped out at me. My words are not adequately describing what I was experiencing, and this is quite frustrating to document, but I can still see that sun and that moon later in the evening, and feel the effects they had on me.

As I drove to my class, I tried to figure out what was happening. I really felt that the difference in perception was caused by the fact that for some reason I had become super-aware of the energy signature or pattern of those particular items. This “seeing” or “awareness” or “perception” had nothing to do with my physical senses. No, that is not correct, in reality my physical eyes and their ability to see were acting as vehicles for this awareness. I am a physical being after all, that exists primarily in the physical world, so any perception that I have or gain of other realms would be tied to the physical world and my physical senses. Especially in the beginning, as I am first experiencing this kind of perception, and adding the experiences regarding this kind of perception to my personal “pattern catalogue” that will enable me to recognize this perception when it happens again, and maybe even enable me to initiate it, physical sight may very well be a necessary part of these incidences, at least until I better understand this ability.

I realized that I was “feeling” (for lack of a better word) the sun, feeling it along my shoulders and across my heart, but not feeling the pressure on my skin but rather feeling something within me. The shadows beneath the grove of trees I felt as well, but in the area of my navel, and the silver light on the water I seemed to feel along my forehead. Each of these sensations was different; the sun felt warm, the shadows felt heavy but with an ambient temperature, and the silver light on the water seemed to expand as I touched it with my awareness, and was slightly cool.

Later, as I drove home, I was blessed with the gorgeous sight of the nearly full moon, its edges softened to a creamy glow by the humidity in the air, and once again I felt an effect, but this one seemed to be occurring within my brain and my mind and my awareness. I connected with the unknown, and for once I reveled in its beauty and mystery, rather than trying to understand its source. For once I did not need to know why or how or when, but rather I accepted with joy and serenity the fact that sometimes we are not meant to know and understand the causes. We are only meant to surrender to the effects.

I woke this morning with a headache, as if I had a hangover. Maybe I did have a hangover, an “energy awareness” hangover. I am excited to see what comes next.

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